Sneakily's Realm

I’m A Dick

dickSince people tend to disagree with me on this self observation… here’s proof… I’m a Dick

*Updates towards bottom, in green*


  •  Exhibit A: Here’s an excerpt from a conversation I had with my friend Stacie:

Me: “The only way I’d touch you if you were drunk is to hold your hair back if you were puking. Hell, that’s probably the only way I’d touch you sober too, I don’t want your cooties”

Stacie: “Lol u wish.”

Me: “I wish that I could hold your hair back as you puke?”

Stacie: “Yup”

Me: “Yes, on my list of top 3 awesome things to do before I die it’s number 3 actually. 1. Is French kiss a rattlesnake. 2. Hump a great white shark while it’s swimming in the ocean. Once I get those accomplished… Then you… it’s good to have priorities.”

Stacie: “Lmao OMG”

  • Exhibit B: Yet another one with Stacie (do ya see a pattern here?)

Stacie: “Why you gotta be so mean?”

Me: “Jackass”

  • Exhibit C: This was probably to Stacie too but I don’t really remember

Me: “sneakily1 is not available right now. Feel free to schedule an appointment by calling 1-888-dikhead”

  •  Exhibit D: Actual tweet from me

Me: “Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for all of the special people in my life… And by special I mean DERP”

  • Exhibit E: Surprise! Conversation with Stacie again

Stacie: “Her: If hay is for horses, what do gay horses say?”

Me: “Am i going to want to shove a screw driver into my eye socket once I see the answer?”

  • Exhibit F: Text conversation with Elisa

Me: “I lost my religion when God allowed that stupid fucking song to become #1 on the billboard charts”

E: “what song?”

Me: “I hate you”

  • Exhibit G: Conversation with Stacie (again, hey Stacie… you think I’m nice still?)

me: “You know I luv ya”

Stacie: “I luv us too”

me: “Us? Umm… we need to talk”

  • Exhibit H: Conversation with Elisa after waking up.

E: “Do you look beautiful?”

me: “Probably not. That’s your job anyway, mine is to look scary”

  • Exhibit I: A tweet I posted

me: “I’m the guy who would go to a “tweet up” for the sole purpose of standing on a table and peeing all over everyone to claim my property”

  • Exhibit J: Conversation with a chick my friend was trying to date (they are now dating). She was offering to assist me with my back pain.

M: “just 10 seconds and I ‘ll make you feel better”

me: “if I had a nickel every time…”

M:”not in a sexual way”

me: “I want a refund”

  • Exhibit K: Tweet I posted

me: “Dear people who suck at life, perhaps you’d fare better attempting not to suck at death instead.”

  • Exhibit L: Tweet posted

me: “Dear women who think you’re a princess, Lol Really? Princess, Donkey’s ass… Same thing”

  • Exhibit M: Tweet posted

me: “Whenever I tell a girl I write songs and she’s like ‘write me one,’ I just bash my guitar against her face and bury her in the back yard”

  • Exhibit N: Tweet Posted

me: “I love your face” her: “That’s not the part of my body I’d like you to love” me: “Solution: FrankenYou?”

  • Exhibit O: Tweet Posted

Keep up with that mouth, and I’ll tie you up and cropdust your forehead -me to her after saying I stink

  • Exhibit P: Tweet Posted

“But sneaks… don’t you want more followers?” Do you want to suck down my farts for the rest of your life?

  • Exhibit Q: Tweet Posted

“Bring home the bacon” she says… She wasn’t very amused when I got home and spit a mouth full of bacon bits at her.

  • Exhibit R: Tweet Posted

Butt crack… Because it’s less effort than actually waving and saying “hello neighbor”

  • Exhibit S: Conversation with E-train

Her: “Just showered, want me to call you on my way in?” Me: “How many hours from now is that?” Her: “half :p”

  • Exhibit T: Random thought after trip to Dallas

There’s an Asian cuisine (method?) Called “Dim Sum” where they cart around random weird shit and you’re all… “I want sum dim right there.”  Then, they serve you whatever strange concoction, and give you a bingo card and mark one of the squares. I assume if you stand up and yell “Bingo” they take you to a back room where you can have a happy ending for $20. Or they beat you to death.

  • Exhibit U: Tweet Posted

I don’t support gay marriage… Not because I have a thing against gay people, but because I have a thing against marriage.

  • Exhibit V: Tweet Posted

Flowers… Because she really does have your balls in her dresser drawer

  • Exhibit W: Tweet Posted

They say if you’re interested in a chick, you should ask her lots of questions about herself. I just tell her to shut up and listen

  • Exhibit X: Tweet Posted

Dear introspective tweeter who’s selfishly filling my timeline with booooorrriiinnnggg, I just farted… And we’re all glad he dumped you

  • Exhibit Y: Tweet Posted

It’s funny how the ugly girls on twitter always seem to be the ones who tweet relationship advice like they actually get dates

  • Exhibit Z: Tweet Posted after trip to Dallas

Night 2 and I’m having serious withdrawals. Not her, the air conditioning

  • Exhibit 1: Actual Conversation with E-train

Her: “I’m gonna slum it today” me: “as opposed to…?”

  • Exhibit 2: Actual Conversation with E-Diddy

Her: “What would You do for a Klondike bar?” Me: “I’d just go downstairs and get it my damn self”

  • Exhibit 3: Actual conversation. If you don’t get the 6th floor thing, go watch JFK

Her: “Obama is coming to Orlando Thursday, guess where I’ll be?” Me: “the 6th floor of your hotel?”

  • Exhibit 4: Actual Conversation

her: “I never took A.P. English in High School” me: “That’s because you’re Vietnamese, you wouldn’t have understood shit”

  • Exhibit 5: Actual Conversation that has been fully documented, but due to reasons I can’t discuss… I’m only allowed to post this excerpt for the time being

Her:”I forget you don’t honor the world clock” me:”I don’t even honor your biological clock, what makes you think I’d honor a world clock?”

  • Exhibit 6: Tweet Posted

If I was John Mayer, I would’ve called the song “Your body is a disaster and your shoes don’t match your outfit bitch”

  • Exhibit 7: Tweet Posted

God is dog spelled backwards, and a dog is man’s best friend right? So in theory God is NOT my friend… plus he owes me money.

  • Exhibit 8: Tweet Posted

Dear Ugly Girl, I understand you have feelings and need loving too. That’s what ugly people support groups are for.

  • Exhibit 9: Tweet Posted

Shouldn’t “Asian Fusion” cuisine just be called “Asian” since they all look the same anyway?

  • Exhibit 10: Tweet Posted

Technology is here to serve a purpose people. No more need to write erotic shit for the bitches, just point, shoot, send.


  • Exhibit 11: Tweet Posted

The only time I don’t get the joke is when it’s just dumb shit that never should have dribbled out of your cake-hole in the first place

  • Exhibit 12: Tweet Posted

If someone gets offended by something you say, good for them! Perhaps it will make them think outside their stupid fucking box for once

  • Exhibit 13: Tweet Posted

I miss the goth scene, when useless people would constantly talk about offing themselves and you could just dare them and get results

  •  Exhibit 14: Tweet Posted

You may have ten thousand followers, but I’m on a first name basis with all of mine. Conveniently they’re all named “little bitch”

  • Exhibit 15: Tweet Posted

For Halloween I’m going to dress up as a giant election ballot that has two options: “Black Guy” and “Mormon”

  • Exhibit 16: Tweet Posted

I like to tweet, kik, text, and gtalk people on Sunday mornings just in case they’re at church and forgot to turn off their ringer

  • Exhibit 17: Tweet Posted

Can someone PLEASE invent Ugly recognition software? Some of your photos are giving me fucking eye cancer

  • Exhibit 18: Actual Conversation with E-dawg

Her: “I’m so glad we’re sexually compatible” me: “I just farted”

  • Exhibit 19: Actual Conversation with E

I think we need to keep a backup employee scheduled in case of another drastic event where you can’t finish the blowjob

  • Exhibit 20: Actual Conversation with E-dizzle

Her: “I’m getting ready to go to the baby shower” me: “Are you going to be a bellyaching sack of hormones after this thing?”

  • Exhibit 21: Actual Conversation with E-Diddly

Her: “I don’t know why I put up with you” Me: “you remember every time we hang out… at least 10 times a day”

  • Exhibit 22: Actual Conversation with ? (Can’t remember who)

Her: “(blah blah blah depressing story)” me: “your new nickname is ‘Baggage’”

  • Exhibit 23: Actual Conversation with ? (Can’t remember who)

Her:”I win cos my RL has been shitty” me: “No, I win because that never happened to me :p”

  • Exhibit 24: Actual Conversation with Anonymous female who shows up on this page VERY frequently and who’s name may or may not start with an E

Her: “I can’t believe you tweeted about my farting on the plane”

Original tweet:  Her: “I’m going to see if they have showers in the lounge…I realized that if I farted this much on the plane, so does everyone else”

  • Exhibit 25: Actual Tweet

So what did I do during my hiatus? A lot of website work, destroyed and fixed my Android tablet, patched up stuff with THE woman. When I say THE Woman.. She’s like THE Man, but 10 times smarter and WAY more intimidating… Plus vagina and perfect tits

  • Exhibit 26: Actual Tweet

If twitter had a relationship status option, mine would be: “Taken, but she wants to watch”

  • Exhibit aa: Conversation with E-Nizzle

Her: “Its a whiny day for me…get over it…or move on…sure u will just move on” Me: “Yep, done. Good luck with your whining”

  • Exhibit bb: Conversation with E

Her: “…not the complex math you’re used to dealing with, 2(tits)+ penis + vagina = :D” me:”+ 1 bad attitude and 8 ounces of pee in the pool”

  • Exhibit cc: Conversation with ?

Chick trying to be dirty: “I have somewhere moist and hot u can put it” me:”The microwave and there’s a wet paper towel in there?”

  • Exhibit dd: Conversation with E Squared

Her: “Haha, I thought you picked up middle East language from one of your twitter women” Me: “Hell no, If I was going to pick up anything from a middle eastern twitter follower, it’d be a Slush Puppy”

  • Exhibit ee: Actual Tweet

I don’t understand why my twitter client won’t allow me to follow chicks with ugly avis. That’s Fucking Discrimination Twitter!

  • Exhibit ff: Actual Tweet

And the winner of the “Smug Cocksucker of the week” award goes to… Fuck off, you can’t have it!

  • Exhibit gg: Twitter Conversation

  •  Exhibit hh: Tweet Posted

I just told a Puerto Rican chick “That’s right… remember the Alamo bitch”

  • Exhibit ii: Tweet Posted

in order to become a more effective communicator, I’m just going to start all future conversations with “Shut the fuck up, and listen”

  • Exhibit jj: Tweet Posted

They got it all wrong. Yes, men Are from Mars… I can accept that. Women however, from a COMPLETELY different universe!

  • Exhibit kk: Tweet Posted

Today is a friend of mine’s birthday. I just can’t remember who’s. So Happy Birthday whoever the hell you are.

  • Exhibit ll: Convo with E

Her:”I figured that in about fifteen years, this will all stop when I hit menopause” me:”I think you’re already going through it”

  • Exhibit mm: Tweet Posted

I think her self consciousness stems from me telling her I would only marry a squirter

  • Exhibit nn: Tweet Posted

Sometimes I think it’d be easier to decipher a 256 bit encrypted key than it is to figure out whatever encrypted signal she’s trying to send

  • Exhibit oo: Conversation with…

Her:”Ur fault now I have the flu” me:”Nope, I didn’t have swine flu :p”

  • Exhibit pp: Conversation with E

Her:”Think back to ALL the stuff you’re doing or experienced because of me :P” me:”gray hair, itchy anus, sleep deprivation, blue balls”

  • Exhibit qq: Tweet Posted

You should really try your best to be evil today. Evil is the new “doing nice shit for people”

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