It seems like not a day goes by that someone isn’t asking me to do something for them because they are just too fucking lazy to do it themselves. I guess they just assume I sit around doing nothing all day since I’m not working a “Normal” job… and that their time is more valuable than mine. I’m going to be perfectly straight on this… I’m fucking DONE! As of 2011 I will no longer be doing the dumb shit that other people are too fucking lazy to do just because I feel semi-obligated because I’m a good friend and/or sibling… UNLESS they pay me for said task. So here’s what I’m dubbing as “Sneakily’s Handy DIY Kit.”
I’ve thought about this quite a bit over the past year, and one of the main reasons I’m broke (as pointed out by my long-term, temporary better half)… is that all of the services I’m great at providing, I give away to other people FOR FREE. The truth of the matter, I can’t afford to do this anymore. So, in order to help out all of you jackasses that I call friends (I mean that in the most respectful way possible), I’m creating this nice DIY (That stands for “Do It Yourself”) kit so you can take a picture of me, tape it right next to you while you’re working on said project… and pretend that I’m there holding your stupid hand and doing it for you. You’ll also notice I’ve arranged it into nice little categories so you can skip to the section you need assistance with quickly. Consider this my Free sample, from now on… if you can’t fix your issue using this DIY kit, I’m charging you.
Problem: You can’t crack an “illegal” game you downloaded via a torrent provider because you “wanted to try it out before purchasing”
Solution: READ THE FUCKING .NFO FILE that was provided!
Rant: I can’t tell you how many goddamn times I hear this. Not only does it piss me off that people can’t read a stupid text file that comes with ALL “Pirated” software (and has for over 20 years)… the methods have been the same for at LEAST the last 5 years! Not to mention what you’re doing is technically illegal (like I really give a shit). If you can’t read simple instructions and follow them… you should probably be one of the morons who purchases a new game for $60 instead of one of us smarter people who enjoys it until it’s only $20 and affordable.
Problem: You locked yourself out of your computer because you changed your windows password and forgot what you typed in… then blame windows for mysteriously glitching because you KNOW you created that password.
Solution: Do a fucking Google Search that says “Windows 7 password recovery.” Then look for the nearest Youtube video of an 8 year-old kid who managed to figure it out on their own.
Rant: This situation just happened to a friend of mine last week. Surprisingly he managed to fix it without my doing it for him.
Problem: You got a virus on your computer because you were a dumbass who went to shitty sites and you were stupid enough to click on the “You have a virus, scan now to fix” banners.
Solution: Grow an ounce of common sense, download Avast Antivirus FOR FREE, REGISTER IT (again, for free). Have it scan your stupid computer via a boot-time scan (OMG you’ll probably have to look for instructions on how to do that… god forbid). Wipe anything that it finds as a problem. If that doesn’t work, you should have backed your shit up before hand anyways, Stupid. Format your computer and start over. Or, be a real moron and take it to the idiots over at Best Buy.
Rant: If you’re a dumbass who clicks on idiot links… perhaps you should have purchased a MAC instead. At least then it will just cost you money every time you click on something… but your dumb PC (Yes, a MAC IS a PC) will still work.
Problem: You just purchased a new piece of hardware for your computer and it doesn’t work.
Solution: Just because you purchased something doesn’t mean it magically works with the components you already own. I’m sorry that you’re a dumbass… while there’s still no solution for being a dumbass other than NOT being a dumbass, you could try doing some research on GOOGLE or YOUTUBE BEFORE you whip out your credit card next time… Stupid.
Rant: I’ve already said all that I need to say for this one.
Problem: Your hardware is overheating and your computer is doing funky things because of it.
Solution: When you’re hotter than hell what do you do to cool off? Yes, the solution is to put water on it you incompetent waste of cognitive flesh.
Rant: If you’re dumb enough to believe that, then go read a different website. The solution is to put more fans in your case to keep cool air flowing through your system. Make sure you have a powerful enough power supply (check watts AND amps… especially if you want to do any gaming), and if you don’t have a place for more fans… grab a drill and make one. BTW you CAN actually do the water thing but you need to do what’s called “Liquid Cooling” and I guarantee that’s WAY over your head anyway… so stick to cool air.
Problem: You’re having a problem with Windows XP
Solution: Step OUT of the stone age and upgrade to Windows 7. If you “Can’t afford it” go donate plasma for 3-4 weeks… problem solved, and then your stupid flesh might actually save a life. At least you’re good for something… right?
Rant: Nuff” said
Problem: You have a project due tomorrow and you’re out of ideas on how to finish it before the deadline of 3 weeks.
Solution: Really Captain Obvious? Perhaps you should have started earlier You Fuck!
Rant: One of my old bosses was a complete dick about procrastination… and about everything else in life for that matter. However, I’m actually grateful he was… it gave me a sense of wanting to accomplish tasks ASAP not only to appreciate the fact that they were done, but to also have the option to tell him to shut the fuck up when he started bitching before he noticed it was already finished. Thanks for being a Dick… Dick.
Problem: Your significant other is cheating on you
Solution: Leave them (Move out, divorce, WHATEVER)… then go seek therapy on why you suck so much at life that you weren’t able to keep someone around. Yes, ultimately the problem is you. A successful relationship requires 4 simple things: Trust, Respect, Friendship, Communication… without one of them, a relationship is doomed to fail. So FOR FREE I’ll give them to you so you can analyze yourself and your present/past relationships to figure out where you’re going wrong. Trust me, when she says “It’s me, not you…” She’s FULL of shit!
Rant: People cheat… I don’t, but most people do. They cheat because at some moment they feel the need for instant gratification to fill a void or to prove a point (whether consciously or subconsciously). Many times it’s to fill a void in their life that comes from a traumatic event that happened to them and has been stored deep down in their psyche. Some people however, just like the rush that comes with doing things you’re not “supposed” to do… and subconsciously want to be caught just to feel a sense of being wanted again and to gain attention. Regardless, if you’re not keeping that person happy… they ARE going to find what they need elsewhere. Now does this mean the individual in question was predestined to find satisfaction elsewhere anyway? No… but if you’re the average, boring person living the bullshit “American Dream” chances are pretty good that your significant other is already bored and looking elsewhere. So see the above solution, and leave the rest to the guys like me who actually “get it.” Don’t worry guys… I’ll treat her like a lady (yeah right).
Problem: Your significant other is always bitching because you play video games with the guys (kids, yourself) all the time and never spend time with her
Solution: Put down the fucking game controller, go read some books on how to improve your sex life (without her knowing you did), and show her you’re not the dumbass she thinks you are. Otherwise, see above problem.
Rant: Are you FUCKING KIDDING me?! You’re turning down getting laid for a video game? If she’s that ugly, that bad of a lay, or that annoying… trade her in for a new model! If you don’t pay her attention… someone else will (me)!
Problem: We both work and there’s never time for intimacy or time to spend together.
Solution: Shut the hell up! Make time! If you HAVE to hold two jobs then quit spending outside your means and one of you quit your job. If you REALLY wanted to spend time with someone… you’d find a fucking way to do it. If you’re not spending time with your kids also… shame on you!
Rant: I have friends who are so rich it’s disgusting… I’m talking borderline billionaire club here. They are some of the hardest working people I’ve ever met in my life, and you know what? They ALWAYS find a way to make time for family. Now sure… you’re probably thinking “Well of course they can… they are rich and can do what they want, or hire people to do shit for them.” If you can find me someone who’s successful on THAT level who doesn’t do everything themselves… I’ll close down this site right now and never bitch another word again as long as I live. You think those people reach that level of success by having other people do shit for them? HELL NO! If you want the time to do something… you simply MAKE the time to do it.
Problem: My Boyfriend/Girlfriend is still friends with their Ex and it makes me jealous
Solution: Find someone else this VERY instant because this relationship is NEVER going to work! You know why? In that STUPID, fucked up little brain of yours, all you can imagine is them fucking every chance they get when you’re not around. Your dumb ass never even thought about the fact that they already broke up… most likely because they got bored to shit of fucking each other! Go to the nearest bar, ask them for a shot of “Shut The Fuck Up” and find someone else to impose your stupid thoughts upon.
Rant: They are an “Ex” for a reason, Stupid
Problem: I love my significant other, but I can’t stand their kids
Solution: Why the FUCK are you dating them then? End it.
Rant: Do I even need to bother with this one?
Problem: My car broke down
Solution: Pay someone to get it fixed, or go buy another car.
Rant: I’ve never owned a license, nor a car. Why the FUCK do you think I would care about helping you purchase parts and assist you in fixing your car? When I was a kid, I figured by now cars would be obsolete… so by not driving one, I’m opposing humanity’s lack of technological evolution over the past 20 years. Perhaps instead of spending so much time making a useless fucking iPod and killing the music industry… people in the technology sector should have figured out a smarter way for us to get around so we don’t have to spend tens of thousands of dollars every 3-5 years for another gas guzzling piece of shit automobile. Hey APPLE why don’t you do something useful with your billions of fucking dollars and make the iDonthavetofuckingwalkordriveanymore
Everything Else In Life:
Problem: You have a problem and can’t figure out a solution
Solution: Google it, Youtube it… if you can’t fix it yourself… Pay someone who can. I’m willing to work for cheaper than most of the other douchebags out there.
Rant: It’s not that I’m not going to or unwilling to help you guys/gals with your problems… It’s that I’m finished being there to assist damn near 24/7… yet, the VERY rare times I ask for assistance, I get the cold shoulder or the convenient “Oh I just got your message 5 days later.” From now on, it’s simple… money talks, and I’d like to be able to afford life again some day.