The 12 Dicks Of Christmas
It’s the holiday season, one of my least favorite times of year. While I’m not someone who hates Christmas (or any other politically incorrect/correct holiday celebrated during the Month of December), I’m willing to admit that I’m very deeply scarred due to shitty holiday events of the past. While I’m not a “Scrooge” or “Grinch” by any means, I just don’t seem to find the holiday season the least bit pleasant, especially compared to the general majority of people I tend to socialize with. Most people who exhibit my kind of empathy can blame horrific holiday experiences as a child, or disappointment due to poor gift giving… perhaps something of a similar nature, for their dislike of the holiday season. I however, am of the opinion that most of the anti-holiday attitude that I’ve burdened upon myself can be traced back to 11 consecutive years of working retail during the holiday seasons of the Nineteen Nineties and the early Millennium. With that in mind, I’ve managed to festively compile a list of the people who manage to make the Holiday season memorable… for all the WRONG reasons.
1. Corporate Retail Chains: I think the majority of the holiday misery begins right here. Whether it’s Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target, Dillards, JC Penny… they are ALL guilty as charged. I swear to god at midnight November 1st (and perhaps earlier), these shitty chain stores begin to brainwash Americans into the holiday season by over-playing washed-up shitty Christmas carols, pimping ridiculous “sales” through strategically placed “leaks” that are meant to entice the average consumer… who is obviously a moron because each local store only has 10 units of the ridiculously “under-priced” items said corporation advertises. Not only is it silly to think you actually have a shot at owning these products, but most of these items are about to drop in price at the turn of the year anyway. I completely understand why the retailers do it though… it’s a proven fact that people are stupid, and every year… the stupid flock to these events in droves of stupid, with hopes of getting a great bargain. The reality: you get a lack of sleep, an expensive coffee buzz, a nose bleed… and your pocketbook gets drained because you spent all your money on other shit you never intended to purchase because you couldn’t acquire what you were originally planning to purchase. If you fall for this trickery every year… you, are a complete fucking moron. The retail chains who encourage this behavior… They, are dicks!
2. Christmas Carolers: I hate Christmas music, It’s a plague that makes me want to take an ice pick to my ear drums and create a new scene for a SAW movie! I don’t hate Christmas music because I’m some kind of nazi or a heartless bastard (well, not all the time). I hate Christmas music because my mind can’t “un-hear” a song once it’s been victimized by a melody line. I have a gift/plague referred to in the musical world as “Memorized Pitch.” It’s not the mythical “Perfect Pitch” that many people claim to have… but it’s close. If you ask any of my close friends, they will tell you that I can name a tune in about 3-4 notes… given I’ve heard it once before in my lifetime. I can tune a guitar from memory only (don’t need a tuner), and if you sing me a melody line… I never forget it. That last tidbit of information is also why I call this “gift” a plague. Unlike most people… it is impossible for me to forget a melody line. I still remember songs from back when I was in Kindergarten, Junior High, Church, and yes… EVERY Christmas song that’s ever been played in a public place in the last 37 years. When I was a child, I used to love certain Christmas carols because of the cool melodies or some great arrangements I heard over the years. I also learned to loathe many of them such as “Jingle Bells, ” “Little Drummer Boy, ” and “The 12 Days Of Christmas.” The common denominator in all of these songs is MAJOR repetition. Many composers/songwriters will tell you that pounding a chorus or hook into a listener’s brain is a good thing… a sure sign of a hit! Well that certainly was the case for most Christmas carols, because even the mentioning of those few titles I listed has all three damn songs stuck in my head now. Anyway, I could write an entire book on how much I hate all of the Christmas music we are stuck hearing every year… but my rant here was supposed to be about Christmas Carolers. If it’s not bad enough that everywhere you go in public from Halloween until New Years Day (and sometimes even until Valentine’s Day), it’s a constant aural bombardment of worn out, over-used Christmas tunes… *Knock Knock* “Oh, I wonder who that could be?” *Door Opens* “Dashing through the Snow, on a one horse open sleigh… ” *Door Slam* (muttering underneath breath) “Go fuck yourselves!” Yes, these shitheads think it’s fun, creative, funny… I dunno WHAT the fuck they are thinking… but it’s MISERABLE! Not only did I have to put down my porn, toss on some shoes (and perhaps some clothes depending on the situation), walk ALL the way to the front of the house AND open the door, then catch a draft in the freezing-ass winter air. I had to do so for a bunch of off-key, no-talent, ass-clowns who selfishly think that victimizing me with their “musical” water-boarding… is somehow going to give me a miraculous cheery disposition. “Why, thank you… you dear little carolers… my holiday was absolutely atrocious until you little angels knocked on my door, interrupted my porn, gave me a draft in this cold-ass air… AND TORTURED me with what you refer to as ‘singing.’ Are you fucking KIDDING me?!” I think I need to see a therapist, perhaps they can hypnotize me and help me forget all of the painful memories and the melodic haunting of Christmas Carols that constantly harass my fragile little brain. If you knock on someone’s door with the sole intention of singing them a Christmas song… You Are A Dick!
3. The Re-Gifter: It’s a depressing thing when you’ve been anticipating an awesome Christmas present the entire Holiday season… just to open your present and find it’s a brand new set of sockets when you don’t own a fucking car. Yes, that happened to me not once… three times in the same Christmas. Apparently someone was trying to give me a hint, but regardless… it was a very unthoughtful lot of gifts considering I’ve NEVER had any desire whatsoever to work on anything mechanical on the face of the planet. So you know what I did with those 3 socket sets that I received that Christmas? That’s right, I did the respectable thing… and put them in my closet along with all of the other useless shit I was never going to use in my lifetime. You know what I DIDN’T do? I didn’t become a CHEAP piece of shit who re-wraps the present and then gives it to someone else who may, or may not even want the fucking thing… just to save a buck and show just how much of an unthoughtful FUCK I am. It’s one thing to give something you don’t like, or will never use to someone who’s going to use it… but it’s quite another to actually re-wrap a gift that you’ve been given in order to keep from spending money or doing something thoughtful. If you Re-Gift… You’re A Dick!
4. The Shitty Gift Giver: Since I’m already on the subject of gifts, I may as well point the finger here too. Giving a great gift is an easy thing. You ask the person what they want… if they don’t give you a decent answer, you ask someone that’s close to them. If YOU’RE the person that’s close to them, and you don’t know what to get them… You’re a shitty human being, and a shitty friend/lover/relative! Not only do you deserve the guilt that overwhelms you as the blase’ look on someone’s face when they unwrap your shitty excuse for a gift seems to say to you “Are you fucking kidding me,” you also deserve TEN FOLD the amount of shitty gifts you’ve given! If you can’t think of anything to give someone, get them a gift card to one of their favorite stores just to show them how much of a shitty friend and cheapskate you REALLY are. At least there’s a microscopic amount of dignity in giving a gift in that manner. If people don’t smile, celebrate, and hug you when you give them a gift during the holidays… You’re A Dick!
5. The Over-zealous Holiday Shopper: Almost as bad as the re-gifter and the shitty gift giver… The OZHS as I’ll call it, is it’s own pure breed of holiday dickheadedness (it’s a word, I just invented it). The OZHS is KIND OF (I say this very loosely) a good person because they mean well. In their eyes, they want to please everyone on their gift giving list. Sometimes though… they just want the self satisfaction and bragging rights of doing such. Regardless of the case, the OZHS will do anything necessary to get “That” gift including: shoot, maim, rape, lie, steal, cheat, bargain, annoy, piss on, scatter, throw, kick, kill, Etc. NEVER under ANY circumstances should you disregard the potential for instant destruction that these types of people are capable of doing in a matter of mere seconds! Fortunately, the OZHS is a very easy specimen to observe because of traits such as: beading sweat on the brow, a mini-spiral notepad with a list that’s mostly scratched out, an obviously over-caffeinated demeanor (shaking, fast speech; quick, short breaths), a shopping cart full of various gadgets suitable for either sex of all ages, people screaming in panic as some crazy individual has a look in their eye like they are about to score the winning goal at the Super Bowl. These traits along with a few others, are tell-tale signs of the OZHS! Stay away from the OZHS… because They Are A Dick!
6. The Over-worked, Under-paid Retail Employee: Well wouldn’t you be a dick too if you were in their shoes? I HAVE been in their shoes, the working 17 hour days on little to no sleep, transactions of douchebag customers haunting your dreams by night, body pain from stocking shelves and reorganizing all of the stupid shit the lazy-ass customers didn’t bother to put back in place, the dickhead boss all up in your shit because you’re not working hard enough even though you’re working mandatory holiday over time on virtually no sleep for virtually no pay, 1 day off a year because the biggest shopping days of the year are Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas. In their case… dickhead behavior is completely excusable because they put up with assholes like you. So, while it is perfectly acceptable, and I encourage it… They are STILL Dicks!
7. Shoppers Who Don’t Put Shit Back Where They Got It From: There is a terrible mentality in today’s society that plagues you and makes you (society) the lazy pieces of shit that I’m convinced you are. Oft times a phrase has been uttered that makes me want to punch someone right in the fucking jaw! “Someone is getting paid to do that… not my problem.” You LAZY piece of SHIT Fuckface! I swear to god, I’m going to start carrying mouse traps with me, and every time I see someone do this… I’m going to put them in an arm bar, set the trap, then snap it on their lazy, USELESS fingers in hopes of breaking them! As someone who’s formerly worked retail, retail management, and I’ve also been a stock clerk… this kind of mentality PISSES ME OFF! If you pick something up to get a good look at it… put it back where you fucking found it! If it’s a piece of clothing and you can’t figure out how the fuck to fold it properly… take it to someone who works there and applogize for being a stupid asshole. I firmly believe that retail employees deserved to be tipped too for putting up with bullshit behavior like this. If you are one of these useless piece of shit shoppers… You’re A Dick!
8. THAT Jewish person: Now before everyone goes and jumps all over my shit on this one (like I’d give a fuck anyway), I’m not gearing this towards all Jews. This is merely geared towards “That Jew” who thinks they are higher and mightier than the rest of the population because they celebrate Chanukah instead of Christmas or whatever the hell everyone else celebrates these days. In my eyes, these people (“Those Jews,” not all Jews) are just as useless as the holy-roller Christian types who think they are better than the rest of the world because they belong to some whack-ass denomination (also pronounced ABORTION) of some whack-ass larger organized religion. “That Jew” boasts about how they have more days to celebrate (I believe it’s 13 but I couldn’t care less) and how they get a present for each day… like it’s somehow better than just getting presents one day of the year. When I was growing up, there was this one Jewish kid I unfortunately went to school with from Elementary school all the way through High School… I didn’t hate the kid because he was Jewish, I hated the kid because he was a loud-mouthed fuck who always had to boast or brag about EVERYTHING! This included Chanukah. The way he made it out to be… you would have thought each Jewish kid received a bank, a jewelery store, and a car dealership for each day of Chanukah… it was RIDICULOUS! I also went to school with a couple other Jewish kids who just said they were Jewish and celebrate differently than most of the other kids… no big deal. Regardless, I’m not letting just one bad seed spoil the entire Apple; on numerous occasions, I’ve managed to run into “That Jew” (especially while managing a CD Store… ugh) and every time, I can’t help but think to myself… You’re A Dick!
9. Parents: First of all parents, you’re going to deceive (lie to) a kid for over a decade about the existence of Santa Clause? Then you’re going to purchase shitty gifts because you didn’t work hard enough to make a little more money during the holiday season that you KNOW comes around every year, so you could be a cool parent? Then, you’re going to bitch about so-and-so relative whom the kids love because they got a cooler present, or spent more money on YOUR kids because they can afford to? Then you’re going to take away and/or confiscate the one cool gift you (or someone else) gave the kids when they behave poorly (an opinion of yours btw, not necessarily an actual behavioral problem)… and the cool toy ends up getting tossed in the “off-limits” drawer of toys that you’re collecting because… You’re A Dick!
10. TV/Radio Stations: Just like the malls, retail outlets, restaurants, etc. these assholes decide to help corrupt our brains with a constant bombardment of holiday music/advertising/messages, all to assist the dickhead people who purchase their ads… in torturing our chafed holiday souls. Think of it in terms of drugs. The Retailers, Restaurants, etc. are the Cartels… the TV/Radio stations are the local dealers/pushers who are trying to lure you into an addicting practice so both parties can savor every hard earned penny you’ve managed to scrape up. I’ll bet you never thought of it like that now did you? At least a drug dealer is going to shoot you and put you out of your addicted misery when you don’t pay, or try to ween yourself from your addiction. TV/Radio Stations, they’re just going to keep on trying to feed you… and thus, They Are Dicks!
11. Teachers/Professors: You get a week, maybe a week and a half off of school after busting your ass for a semester… losing sleep, stressing out over papers, rent, job, roommates, parents, extra-curricular activities; then these mother fuckers decide to give you an assignment to do over your holiday break. FUCK THAT! If you’re a Teacher/Professor, or know a Teacher/Professor who’s guilty of this heinous crime against humanity… You/They Are A Dick!
12. Santa: I’ve been good, bad, and everything in between. Regardless of my behavior, I seldom get what I want for Christmas because Santa has decided to be stingy. I seldom wish for things that are expensive or difficult to acquire. I’m a very self-less, caring, giving person by nature (aside from this site of course)… yet year after year Santa decides to give me bullshit presents, or even worse, no presents at all! Yes, you’d think a popular guy like me who’s constantly giving of himself to others, lending a helping hand, cheering up the masses when they are down… would get just one simple little present each Christmas. Sure, I’ve racked up my bad karma back in the day… but seriously, I’ve done kind things 1000 fold since then. If Santa is still holding a grudge against me for transgressions long past… Santa Is A Dick!
And there you have it, The 12 Dicks Of Christmas. I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday! I also hope all of you get laid (I am) for Christmas! So until next year… Be fun!