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Stupid Bird

The Greatest Twitter Tool

Stupid BirdThe Greatest Twitter Tool

I fucking LOVE Twitter! Twitter has all kinds of varying uses, from promoting self narcissism (like I do), to picking up hot bored house wives (for those of you twitter fiends who can actually score), to trying to push your shitty brand to morons who allow themselves to be subjected to shitty brands (like Apple does for example). Along with these many great uses comes many fantastic, and many completely useless tools that are available to Twitter users. Unfortunately, what I consider to be the greatest Twitter tool, is commonly overlooked; remaining a mystery to the majority of you Tweetaholics. I’m going to spill the beans on this little gem, so you aren’t so fucking stupid about life in general…  or at least, not as fucking stupid as you were before reading this enlightening article.

The Twitter experience, for those of you who are mildly retarded and more inclined to hang out on Facebook instead of Twitter, is a social media experience completely like no other. Originally, the premise of twitter was a simple platform limited to 140 characters with which you could answer the basic question of  “What are you doing?” Poised to be the “SMS of the internet” as the originators put it (go read the wiki if you don’t believe me), Twitter has grown into a beautiful monster that reaches far beyond the simple scope of what people are doing. As a matter of fact, Twitter has grown into a Goliath of real-time, instant information that actually trumps any resource on the internet PERIOD!

So back to the original point of this rant: What is the greatest Twitter tool? The answer is simple, Blocking/reporting an account.

Right now I’m sure you’re asking yourself… “Why the FUCK, would sneakily’s dumb ass call blocking an account the greatest tool on Twitter?” I won’t hold that against you though, because it would be too much of me to require my readers to think as intelligently as I do. Yes, there’s all kinds of other tools out there to enhance Twitter like fucking (Kill Me),, Tweetdeck (which was awesome until Twitter took it over and using their nazi-like power… Chopped it’s balls off, and turned it into the mangina of a program that it’s become, and now about as equally useless as the actual twitter website) and countless other programs, apps, extensions, and a couple billion other mutations/abortions of the Twitter API. As a matter of fact, in case you have even less of a life than you’d normally have to have in order to find this site to begin with; here’s a whole list of supposed “Top 100 Twitter Tools” that STILL won’t manage to get you laid. Say what you want about various Twitter tools, but there’s nothing you can say or do to convince me that blocking douchebags isn’t #1 on the productivity list.

What’s so great about blocking and/or reporting Twitter accounts that catapult this method commonly considered to be “rude” on Twitter; straight to the top of my list of Twitter tool Badassery? Ultimate control. Yes, I said the word control in a post of mine… I know it might shock you, myself being one of the least-likely candidates for having “control” issues. The ability to control who/what person/company follows you, who/what you see, who/what you waste your time interacting with… You can’t put a price on that kind of information control, and virtually NO other service on the internet allows you such a valuable amount of control over the exact content that potentially corrupts that feeble little mind of yours.

Think about it, does Facebook allow you to filter out such content at your own free will? Hell no! If anything, those bastards over at Facebook dictate damn near every piece of content embedded into your brain the second you log in. Google+ kind of has it figured out, but unfortunately, they too make it somewhat daunting to block out unwanted content if you don’t know where to look. Twitter however, makes this task of content control very simple. I’ll give you a quick little list of just how simple.

  • Someone starts talking smack about you: BLOCKED
  • Someone you don’t like starts following you: BLOCKED
  • A member of your immediate family finds your R/X-rated Twitter account, but doesn’t realize it’s you yet: BLOCKED
  • A Celebrity you can’t stand tweets stupid shit that just furthers your contempt for them: BLOCKED
  • A company you hate keeps paying for ads to be tossed into your timeline… In YOUR timeline, not theirs: BLOCKED
  • Some stupid PMS-ing bitch with abandonment issues constantly posts pictures of her stupid fucking cat and the food that makes her even more fat than she already is: BLOCKED
  • Ex-Girlfriend/Boyfriend: BLOCKED
  • Husband/Wife: BLOCKED
  • Stalker problems: BLOCKED (doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of Twitter though?)
  • Former roommate you owe money to: BLOCKED

I’m just giving you a few examples here, believe me… I could go on FOREVER!

Not only should you use the block feature on a more frequent basis, you also win bonus points in my book of badassery if you report blocked accounts as SPAM! Why? It’s a dick thing to do, and these assholes are trying to worm their way into your valuable, mental real estate… without even offering to pay you rent!

Now before I finish this rant, I need to address one more issue that I’m quite certain a bunch of you have already considered: If you block users, you lose followers; losing followers is not a good thing, because then you don’t appear to be as popular on Twitter. FUCK THAT MENTALITY! It’s the fucking Internet, not the real world. The truth of the matter (sorry to be the one to tell you this), if you were about to die a horrible death, and your followers had to pick between saving you and saving themselves… %99.9 would run like the selfish little fuckers that they are as far away from the situation without giving a second thought to looking back. You can hate me for saying this, but when push comes to shove, the majority of the people who follow your Twitter account REALLY don’t give a fuck about you! So before you get all sentimental over that one prick who’s decided to offend you today, but don’t want to lose them as a follower because they have 40k followers and a bunch of those lemmings might also unfollow you; step away from the Twitter and remember that Twitter is ultimately about you… what YOU are doing. So if you think about it, by blocking that piece of shit; you’re doing them and the rest of the world a service… perhaps others will soon follow suit, and that “Twitter Elite” will soon become Twitter Depleat™.

The moral of the story? Think of Twitter as an amazing television show where ultimately you get to pick and choose whether you want to be entertained commercial free, or with just the commercials you think are fucking hilarious for products you use and endorsements by the celebrities you actually like. I challenge you to fine-tune the pricks out of your twitter world, and spend your time on there doing more things to make it enjoyable for yourself… because let’s be honest; if you’re “dealing” with Twitter drama on a regular basis, you’re TOTALLY doing it wrong. Block the idiots who pollute your timeline, and your brain will thank you for it.

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