When I’m President
Since I fully intend on becoming president one day, I’m going to start compiling a list of things that I will change. I will add stuff, but regardless of how retarded things may seem, I WILL NOT remove anything… this way the press can have a field day during my election campaign. If things get accomplished by other presidents before my term, I’ll put a line through them and toss out the accomplishing President’s initials and date by the side. Given that such a thing DOES happen… you can figure they happened upon my site and stole my shit. Don’t be surprised if you hear about me filing copyright lawsuits against the perpetrators if they don’t ask my permission first! BTW this was originally “Stroke #5” 🙂
- NERF Vehicles – I have to give credit where it’s due… my amazing friend Danna came up with this idea long before me, but we both tossed it out to each other around the same time. My idea was spontaneous, hers had been brewing for years. So this IS her idea. Anyway, the vehicle related highway death toll in America “fell to 32,885 in 2010” according to Edgar Snyder & Associates. I have no idea who they are, but they came up in a google search and that guy looks like somebody’s Grandpa… so I’m willing to trust him for this statistic. That number is roughly the size of the entire population of Moberly, Missouri… a town I loathe, but for the sake of mentioning a small town; I’m going to mention it. So to make this plain and simple (I think that’s an Obama phrase), we can save the population of Moberly by making our vehicles safer… building them out of NERF materials seems like a more than logical solution. Let’s say you’re flying down the road at 120mph in a NERF car and you hit another NERF car head-on. Sure, it’s going to hurt like a bitch… but chances are pretty good all parties involved will live to see another day, given they wear seat belts.
- The Isle Of Stupidity – Since we already have Gitmo setup for Terrorists (and supposed terrorists) why not go ahead and use one of our Country’s numerous islands and banish the STUPID to them. We’ll surround the islands with electrified invisible dog fences, and all of the stupid people will be fitted with a microchip that zaps the ever living shit out of them if they try to leave the perimeter of the island. With GPS these days, it makes the job even simpler. If you can’t score a simple IQ score of 100 or better and you don’t qualify as being mentally retarded… you’re just plain stupid and America has no use for you. This island will be survival of the fittest, so hopefully all of the morons will just kill each other off. Sure it’s kind of cruel and unusual… but then again, so is listening to election debates.
- Asshole Tax for the rich – Rich people are probably going to piss and moan about this one, but it’s a no-brainer. You show me an honest rich person and I’ll introduce you to Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy… etc. Sure the rich are rich because they supposedly “work harder,” or they are “Better Educated” but they are also 98.9% more likely to be shady in doing so, and most don’t deserve a fraction of the money they actually make when compared to the quantity of work they are doing on a daily basis. Because of this, there will be an asshole tax that will be required by anyone making over 6 figures… mainly because one way or another, you are an asshole. There WILL be an appeals process though where you can point out how good of a person you are… or if you give certain amounts to good causes, you can alleviate some of the penalties. I’m not here to give out all the specifics… just stating it’s gonna happen.
- Popular Vote – Originally the constitution setup an electoral college to help protect the popular vote amongst the states… especially since new states were entering the union at an alarming rate and this only seemed fair at the time to balance things out in the world of Democracy. Unfortunately, now that the year 2012 has arrived, the Electoral College concept has become an abortion. It’s time to ditch it and come up with a better concept that takes into account the ACTUAL popular vote along with some other magical formula that helps balance the system, and gives more power to the people and less to the assholes in office.
- Your Right To NOT Vote – Voting is a privilege when you are an American citizen, but NOT voting is also an acceptable alternative. Unfortunately over the years, the latter has become almost taboo to even mention. The truth of the matter is NOT voting is just as important as voting… and it’s your right to NOT vote just as much as it is your right to vote. So when I become president, I will start a new campaign to publicly inform current and would-be voters that it’s perfectly OK and socially acceptable to exercise your right to NOT vote.
- No MORE COMMERCIALS! – Let’s be serious here… companies are snatching up prime real estate on hockey rinks, seating, product placement… everywhere you look there’s a fucking Coke or Pepsi ad. There’s NO reason whatsoever that these companies should be allowed to continue polluting our minds with TV, Radio, Internet commercials, ads, etc. It’s one thing to want to get a new product into people’s hands, it’s another to completely pollute the airwaves. From now on, you find a way to fit the product into programming or sponsor a show… actual commercials will be history!
- REAL Space Exploration – Can someone PLEASE tell me what we’ve accomplished since the Apollo missions? Oh yeah… NOTHING! It’s time to stop being stupid and make all of the Star Wars & Star Trek shit a REALITY! Think OUTSIDE the box people!
- Apple Will be properly prosecuted for corruption of the young & other crimes against humanity – iPod, iPad, iPhone, iDon’tfuckingthinkso! It’s amazing how 1 company has managed to completely ruin so many industries with one shitty product right after another… and the iDorks KEEP buying into the hype. NO MORE! Evidence will be provided and Apple will be held accountable as an Enemy Of The State!
- Entertainment Cap – $59.99 for a game on release day. $22 for a new release Movie. $13 for a 3D movie in the theater. $6.99 for a bucket of popcorn. $4.99 for a MEDIUM soda. $14.99 for a crappy 10 song “Album” on iTunes. $22 for a new release book. $100 concert ticket. $125 Sporting event tickets. I don’t even know how much comics, magazines, and other forms of entertainment run for these days, but things are getting WAY out of control! Dinner, a movie, and a handful of drinks for you and a date… expect to shell out around $200. McDonald’s “Value Meals” are about the same price as an entree WITH sides from Friday’s. THIS IS GOING TO STOP! Once I take over, ALL of it will be $40 or less, and more towards the $10-20 range for the middle… with movies, music, and meals being UNDER $10 again. There’s just no excuse for this kind of horse shit!
- PETA = GONE – It’s one thing to care about animals… but what these idiots are doing is social terrorism. I will disband them and then people who ACTUALLY care about animals can go back to being animal lovers instead of douchebag protesters with no lives.
- License to breed – The majority of the American population is NOT fit to breed either by way of complete stupidity… or just the fact that they are a complete eye sore due to their slothfulness. There’s also a plague of people having children who can’t even take care of themselves, a pet, a family member… why the hell are they being allowed to breed and continue to live off taxpayer resources? There’s a term for that, it’s called a VIRUS! Everyone will have to pass a mixed written/oral exam along with a DNA test, physical… and they will have to pass courses that cover everything from sexuality to parenting… proving that they are worthy to be parents. Anyone caught violating will be aborted and sent to the Isle of Stupidity. This law will also be open to all legal couples.
- Annual Sexual/Emotional Partnership LLC – Marriage is sooo B.C. and for 2000+ years now we’ve been doing the A.D. thing. It’s time we revamp the system and again… think outside the box. From now on marriage will be consodered a “Sexual/Emotional Partnership and Limited Liability Company” created, organized, and overseen by two parties who sign a simple document that says they both have vested interest in said SEPLLC. This contract will be open to couples of ANY sexual preference and is to be renewed annually. Failure to do so will result in property seizure, DoFS and IRS involvement along with strict jail time and fines for BOTH parties. The purpose of this SEPLLC is to make couples (straight, gay, whatever) work together in creating not only a relationship that’s lasting and profitable… but it also gives them a way out if the partnership starts to sour, but in limited penalty. Just like any business partnership: Upon termination, all assets/debts/properties, etc will be divided up by a court of law as per the original agreement that both parties must agree to before hand. No more bitter divorce, no more being stuck in something miserable for the kids, no more “I want this” or “I get half of that”… it’s all decided on PRE-partnership, and strictly business from here on out. BTW Cheating will be penalized and might forfeit your right to dispute discrepancies.
- Childrens Rights – Anyone under the age of 16 will have the right to be a child! This means doing child-like behaviors such as Recess, Play time, various non-educational and actual physical activities that are associated with simply being a kid. Manual labor, Homework, etc will NO LONGER be tolerated! Learning is meant for school, if a teacher can’t get the job done in their allotted time… perhaps they suck as a teacher. Parents will no longer be able to subject their children to forced manual labor. This DOES NOT include minor daily household chores, or tasks which include monetary compensation equivalent to the current Minimum Wage rate. In Other words, if you are going to make your kid work… you’re going to be paying them so they can spend the money to get ahead in life and/or purchase cool things for when they get down time. Said work must ALSO be voluntary and not forced. Money talks, so if your kid won’t do the work for your fee… find another kid who will. There will be a nation-wide, standardized minimum leisure time set aside for children to help encourage creativity, physical wellness, and general happiness. Children don’t deserve to be stressed over stupid grown-up things before they are ready to become grown-ups.
- NAP TIME – ALL employers will be required to provide a minimum of 4 hours/week PAID nap time for any employee who requests this. As not to abuse this privilege, employees are ONLY allotted 4 hours per week. This is meant to prevent fatigue and help spark creativity/productivity at the workplace. This will also provide those who work hard a chance to catch up on lost sleep from the night before. Employers will also be able to throw in an additional 10 hours to be used throughout the course of the month as performance-based incentive. Since many people tend to doze off at work anyway WHILE on the clock… this could prove to be VERY beneficial to both employers and employees. This will also encourage entrepreneurs to open and operate “Nap Cafes” where people can leave work, and for a small fee… have a small private room with which to rest. If this alone doesn’t boost the American economy something ridiculous… I don’t know what will!
- MANDATORY Fitness center and/or gym membership provided by employers – Just like an insurance benefit package, employers will be required by law to provide either a small fitness center available to employees, or an annual gym membership for employees. All business WILL be reimbursed for 60% of expenses by the government via a tax credit. This will encourage a healthy workforce and thus, more productivity.
- FREE Health Insurance For ALL – There’s a way to make it happen, and it will. No more deductibles, no more premiums… everyone is covered PERIOD! If we’re taxing the rich more, and encouraging healthy living and lifestyles, the means will present itself.
- WALKING/Biking Incentives – If you don’t own a car… Tax Break, If you walk to work/school… Tax Break, if you ride the bus on a bi-weekly basis (or better), tax break. Ride a bike to work or to run errands… Tax break. Cities who cater to those who are willing to get off their butts, and walk/bike/skateboard… whatever; will also be rewarded with various tax incentives, grants, etc. Again, it’s time to reward health and discourage slothfulness.
- Child/Animal Abuse UNACCEPTABLE – There will be a ZERO tolerance policy! No more repeat child molesters. No more Animal abusers. No more mentally abusing kids. If you threaten a child or animal with physical violence of ANY kind, you will be locked away!
- Marijuana LEGALIZED! – It’s not the 1950’s anymore. It’s time to start making and selling it… thus, creating American jobs and boosting the economy. Tobacco was the cash crop of back in the day, there’s NO reason why weed can’t be THIS generation’s cash crop. Alcohol and Tobacco are WAY more harmful in society than weed. I don’t even smoke the crap, but it doesn’t take a brain child to figure this one out.
- More to come! I’ve used up all of them that I can think of at this moment. If you can think of something or want to put in a request, just leave a comment.
Photo of Whitehouse back lawn credit: photo by sneakily1 (yes, I took that bitches!) © 2011 Sneakily1 All Right Reserved