Sneakily's Realm

Yes, I said that! The Trophy Case

Yes, I said that

This is a trophy case for my best thoughts via twitter. You’re probably not going to like them, but I sure do. Yes, I said that.

*Most recent month is in green*

  • Walked 6 miles today and shattered all my previous records for speed. It’s so cold I get inner-shaft… So less drag
  • I figured out a way to time travel through death…it’s just a theory for now, but I’m accepting volunteers for test subjects
  • Can someone explain to me how the fuck a southern baptist is supposed to vote in this election? They hate mormons AND black people
  • Dear PMSing hookers, if you want to have “bitch about men club,” the first rule is YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!
  • Standing in lines at polls sure seems like a big waste of time to me. I’m just gonna offer someone $5 for their “I voted” sticker
  • Do Mexicans who live in Puerto Rico get to vote? Will there be a nacho shortage tomorrow because of it? Fuck I hope not!
  • Your PMS makes me long for a guillotine with motion sensors so I can just insert my head and… Silence
  • I have an ear infection, I was told olive oil does the trick. Anyone have some croutons, bacon bits, and lite ranch dressing I can add?
  • If you don’t think a zombie apocalypse is scientifically possible, then how do you explain retards with super-human strength?
  • Sometimes the hardest part is pretending you’re paying attention
  • Oldest nephew is the one who’s afraid of the dark. I told him to man up before his little brothers find out and he loses street cred
  • My Boner is giving her insomnia… What’s your super power again?
  • Interesting facts: They were originally going to call “The Wire” by the title of “The Two Cans And A String” but it was already trademarked
  • During this week of Thanksgiving, I expect most of you will actually thank me for the few fucks I gave during the year.
  • Whenever I’m asked about my relationship status, I just reply “Shaken, not stirred”
  • Dear Tiger Direct, as a white person… I find “Black Friday Week” to be kinda racist. When do we white folks get “White Friday Week?”
  • Yeah at least I’m not a Palestinian waking up to a Jewish rocket’s ginormous beak falling through my ceiling
  • Is it get bitches, make money? Or make money, get bitches? Fuck I can never remember! I just know I’m always fucking broke when bitches
  • Normally I’d take a day like today to not be productive, but with everyone traveling or busy with in-laws… Seize the silence!
  • Having a girlfriend who’s a doctor is very convenient, especially the whole jerking me off during the prostate exam thing
  • Yesterday I was playing “Apples To Apples” with the fam, and successfully played the “Cow-Pie” card. Fuck your Call Of Duty achievements
  • Can’t sleep, so Slipknot’s Iowa album to make the insomnia even more fitting. I sure hope we get to listen to this album in hell a lot
  • Which one of you virtual hookers is gonna gimmie some lovin’ tomorrow for Cyber Monday? Am I doing this right?
  • Every day I discover something new and intriguing about my girl, yesterday for example… I discovered she’s Asian when she peed in my Coke
  • The only thing holding a child back from landing on mars is a stupid, brainwashed adult who doesn’t think it’s possible. Don’t be that adult
  • Seriously, can you just stop talking and make me some nachos instead?
  • You should really try your best to be evil today. Evil is the new “doing nice shit for people”
  • Effort: it’s too expensive these days to just be given away
  • Dear twitter, having someone favorite your tweets is NOT “Star fucking.” Me banging Carrie Underwood doggy style… That IS star fucking.
  • I just sneezed and heard something land about 15 feet away. Success!
  • Witches titties are like 500 degrees warmer than this room right now. Trust me, I’m an expert on witches titties.
  • Every day since reading the book Metamorphosis, I wake up seriously disappointed that i haven’t turned into a giant dung beetle overnight
  • Trying to explain the intricacies of Android to a woman is like trying to teach a midget how to slam dunk a basketball. Isn’t gonna happen
  • Even though I have a thing for dirty chicks… You still need to shower on a regular basis. I’m out of my banging homeless bag lady phase
  • Have you ever tweeted from the toilet so long that you can’t remember if you actually pooped or not? I’m asking for a friend
  • I have a knack for making conversations awkward just so I don’t have to converse anymore. Holla if you’d like to take lessons
  • Been listening to Led Zeppelin for over 3 hours now. I think I’ve been slowly brainwashed into thinking I need groupies
  • I read an article on CNN’s website about Olivia Wilde’s vagina dying. I cried like a little bitch until I found out her vagina is ok
  • we’ll see how well it heals in a day or two. Right now it looks like fire ants gave me a bukkake (in reference to chemically burning my face)
  • Sometimes I think it’d be easier to decipher a 256 bit encrypted key than it is to figure out whatever encrypted signal she’s trying to send
  • Today is gonna be a fantastic day… You know why? Because I didn’t start it off by CHEMICALLY BURNING my FUCKING FACE!
  • I think her self consciousness stems from me telling her I would only marry a squirter
  • Want to Stop bullying… Tell your kid to quit being a pussy and teach him how to put a fucker in an arm bar or choke hold.
  • Isn’t having a vice presidential debate kinda like Taco Bell and Wendy’s arguing over who’s gonna be #1 between Burger King & McDonald’s?
  • I’m about to head to Wal-Mart in a polkadot Speedo, suspenders, and knee socks in an attempt to make it into People Of Wal-Mart.
  • I’m gonna have my attorney use you guys as a “jury of my peers.” Then “they’re all future zombies anyway” will be my alibi for the spree
  • I’m starting to think I’m bi-polar. I’m at least bi-fucking stupid.
  • Instead of an engagement ring, I’m just gonna wrap adhesive tape around her ring finger, because that shit is WATERPROOF!
  • I’m pretty sure my cock is gluten free, so feel free to chow down ya fucking hipsters
  • They got it all wrong. Yes, men Are from Mars… I can accept that. Women however, from a COMPLETELY different universe!
  • in order to become a more effective communicator, I’m just going to start all future conversations with “Shut the fuck up, and listen”
  • Tweeting is what it is, just tweeting. Venting is punching someone square in the jaw just to redecorate their ugly face. Rather be venting
  • I would make your hand held shower head cower in shame!
  • It’s always the fat ones who want to sit on your face first
  • I’m surrounded by cute chicks, and Apple products. Oh sweet fucking irony
  • I just told a Puerto Rican chick “That’s right… remember the Alamo bitch”
  • I’ve lost track of how many hours I’ve been awake now, so I’m just gonna refer to it as “I’ve been awake Deadliest Catch hours”
  • I love the people of Chicago. Everyone stays the fuck out of the way, but also very friendly and dtfErm down to earth.
  • I tried counting sheep to help me rest, but all I could conjure up were camels trying to sell me slurpees. Well played insomnia
  • Dear Hipster Bands, Hot chicks remember Rock Stars, not dudes with guitars who look like they’re fucking homeless
  • Had some killer chili for dinner tonight and the effects are finally starting to kick in. No worries though, only a %5 chance of sharting. You’d think with those odds, I would have been %95 safe… Fuck, I knew I should’ve armed myself with a manpon.
  • Don’t you love how my Socratic methods completely change the forecast of the atmospheric humidity in your panties?
  • Due to unforseen circumstances and a brief stint in the emergency room, I have been forced to change my mantra to MOST boobies make me smile
  • I was hoping you’d rub my nose in that filth of yours
  • I’m not so grouchy in the morning when I wake up to someone’s tongue on my balls. Oh wait, that’s the dog…
  • Surprisingly, my instant wit and creative mind do not translate over to incredible sexting one bit. That would require thought and caring
  • And the winner of the “Smug Cocksucker of the week” award goes to… Fuck off, you can’t have it!
  • Instead of a tweet-up, let’s have “Sneak up” where all of you get together and talk about my awesomeness, and then I show up with candy
  • My morning wood is on a delay apparently. More like “Morning Brunch” wood if you will. Here, let me stir that Mimosa for you
  • I don’t understand why my twitter client won’t allow me to follow chicks with ugly avis. That’s Fucking Discrimination Twitter!
  • Her: “Too late in the day for morning wood” me: “It’s still hanging around here somewhere, the termites didn’t attack this morning”
  • What’s the accepted age where a dude graduates from “here, smell my finger” to “here, pull my finger?”
  • I once was a man from Nantuckette… In a past life. You know the rest
  • My optometrist frowns upon my referring to my contacts as my “Eye Condoms.” If only she knew the things I see over the course of a day
  • There’s A MOTHERFUCKING CRICKET outside my window taunting my every tweet! You judgmental little PRICK!
  • Is it normal for your armpits to itch more than your ass itches? I’m asking for a friend
  • Fear is just not understanding… That something is right around the corner and about to FUCKING STAB YOU! RUN BITCH!
  • When I become president, I will pass a law that allows women who work to bring a vibrator with them for use during breaks
  • 50 star, 100 star tweet. Hell, I’m happy with just 1 star. You know why? Because it verifies at least one of you isn’t a complete moron
  • She’s always hounding me about being so gifted, yet never setting goals for myself. So New goal: Appear on “People of Wal-Mart
  • I’m gonna start saving up my ear wax and make sculptures with it. I’m pretty sure it’s never been done before
  • Ever want to fuck with a conspiracy theorist… make up a conspiracy theory about their “trusted source”
  • So apparently they’re NOT called “punch lines” because that shit was so dumb you wanted me to punch you in the face? How is your face btw?
  • I’m back but only for a couple seconds before I have to wipe my… Yep, gotta run
  • A Queen takes what she wants. A Princess just sits around waiting to one day become a Queen. Don’t be a fucking Princess… Useless!
  • Tacos: because life is more fun when shit is falling all over the damn place… instead of in your mouth
  • The underwear gnomes brought me a bunch of panties and I don’t know whom they belong to, so you’ll have to come claim them Cinderella style.
  • Her: “…not the complex math you’re used to dealing with, 2(tits)+ penis + vagina = :D” me:”+ 1 bad attitude and 8 ounces of pee in the pool”
  • She gets jealous of my “virtual girlfriends” yet has no problem with me fucking my imaginary girlfriends… Pppssshhh Women!
  • I had to change all of the titles in my evil contracts from “partners in crime” to “civil unions in crime.” fucking conservatives
  • If you become famous, people who say dumb shit like “don’t forget us little guys” should probably be the first people you forget.
  • Chicks are always “guys can pee standing up.” But women have the upper hand for masturbation. Find object insert. Guys are…hmmm table
  • I’m gonna go watch football before I do something I’m not gonna regret one bit while rotting away in jail for 40 years
  • Anyone know the maximum amount of ibuprofen one can take to numb pain in one dose before it cleanses my liver of alcohol permanently?
  • Can someone please explain to me how a church promising “eternal salvation” in exchange for %10 of your income doesn’t justify fraud charges
  • I gave away all my shits yesterday. Today all I have leftover is a handful of fuck offs
  • She called you ladies hookers… For Shame! I defended you though and told her you’re twitter groupies… Or “troupies” officially
  • Your tweets say “yes,” but your avi says… “Pardon me, I just remembered I have important shit to do away from twitter”
  • Don’t hate me because I control your moist little vagina with my mind, Your clit will hold a grudge.
  • Whining gives me inner-shaft
  • Caught some of The Voice, it’s refreshing to see Christina’s saggy water bags auditioning for TV. Can you say boil order? Nasty
  • I’m back, and apparently only 3 of you missed me. I’m so disappointed in the 3 of you. What did I do while away? I found Jesus… And nachos
  • I’m going to open a tattoo parlor and call it “Tats For Tits,” where chicks can barter for their tattoos based on their endowments
  • If we’re ever conversing and you’re… “I just made up that word.” Bullshit! I know you’re not a “word inventor” because I just made it up
  • So apparently the cake IS a lie, the spoon doesn’t exist… Well I’m not wearing any underwear. Put that in your cliche pipe and smoke it
  • Just once in my life, it’d be nice to date a chick who actually has a concept of time. She can hang with Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy
  • I don’t do it wrong, I do it MY way
  • How DARE you correct me when you’re Wrong!
  • Thank God my friends put up with me. Honestly, I don’t know how they do, but I’m sure it requires a lot of shock therapy and crying at night
  • Your shitty boob job makes me wish I was lactose intolerant
  • Who has two thumbs and loves your face? Me… Right after we get this bag over your head
  • If you think my inner monologue is a badass, you should see me when I’m pissed
  • I’m not staring at your tits! I’m staring into your eyes and wondering what your vagina is going to look like
  • Dear fishing for compliments, perhaps you’d be more successful if you used a “noodling” technique
  • Tuna casserole for lunch… Because you’re on my mind baby
  • I’m sorry, but that shade of attention whore doesn’t look all that flattering on you. Perhaps you should try a subtle hint of hooker instead
  • Call it what you want, but coffee is not a substitute for your murderous rage, you’re just postponing it for a more convenient occasion
  • Today, can you try stroking my ego with your left hand instead? Oh yeah, and spit on it first… Feels better that way
  • I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to add your #ff’s at this time because all of the “ugly people” slots on my timeline are currently occupied
  • Whenever I can’t find a pen and paper to jot an idea down, I just speak it into the memory foam cushion on my bed so I can access it later
  • I feel like randomly assaulting someone today, but staging it so it comes across like a total accident. A bicyclist perhaps
  • It’s not all about you, it’s not all about me. It’s ALL about the string cheese Bitches!
  • That’s awesome that you speak another language. I don’t, and I’m too lazy to use google translate. So, English… Or I don’t give a shit
  • I’m not doing #ff (for the non-twitter educated, that stands for “Follow Friday” where people on twitter shoutout followers in hopes people will follow them) today because a lot of you are pmsing and I don’t feel like dealing with all the “who’s THAT bitch?”
  • I lost 4 pounds in my sleep. I’m pretty sure I’ll find it by the end of the day though
  • I wish there was a way to bottle up how skinny I am in the morning, and ration it out throughout the day
  • WHY do you people insist on starring and retweeting all of my dumb tweets? This is a conspiracy to make me look like an Ass Clown isn’t it?!
  • When you don’t have anything nice to say, find other shit to do until the annoying person goes away
  • I’m trying to undo the 5 minutes of Rock Of Ages that I just watched… It’s not working. Gonna go slam my head in the door a few times
  • I just want to live in a world where gays can marry whatever the hell they want, and I can have chik-fil-a nuggets without being a Dick
  • If I wag my Man tail do I get a treat and a pat on the lesser of my two heads?
  • After years of scientific research on myself, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m grouchy on days I don’t wake with morning wood
  • Suggesting there’s such a thing as St.Louis style pizza is like traveling to Mexico for spaghetti and meatballs
  • I just woke up and it’s not the year 3035. I need some better sleeping pills.
  • Never trust people who don’t watch porn! Especially if you’re in bed with them and think they’re going to bring you to orgasm
  • I think we need to keep a backup employee scheduled in case of another drastic event where you can’t finish the blowjob
  • If I was a hooker, I’d be so rich by now
  • We’re both so competitive, we make bets on who’s going to be responsible for turning our “love making” into primal caveman sex first
  • I find you can have a more open, honest discussion with a woman if you save the best conversations for when you’re inside her.
  • I don’t like the concept of “Long Distance Relationships.” Instead, I refer to them as taking a road trip to Bootypalooza
  • I swear, every time she eats sushi, my dick has to do community service.
  • YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! I’M THE ONE HOLDING THE CHASTISE STICK HERE!
  • I drink a shit-ton of water during the day so I’ll always have a valid excuse to get out of a boring-ass conversation.
  • I do what I want so much, that the nfl is now giving me Thursday night football on the Sunday before.
  • her: “I give up. We should just live in different continents” me:”we already live on different planets… isn’t that good enough?”
  • I wonder what the tax rate on Mars is… Surely the U.S. government already has it established, greedy fuckers
  • Effective communication is all about getting the point across to the receiver. This is why assault should be protected by the 1st Amendment
  • Mars sure looks a lot like Mexico. I’m calling shenanigans on NASA
  • I gotta figure out a way to monetize the use of the words “cock” “vagina” and “boob” on twitter. I’d be the richest man in the universe
  • Can someone PLEASE invent Ugly recognition software? Some of your photos are giving me fucking eye cancer
  • Why isn’t there a Spanglish Olympic team?
  • Been watching Hunger Games… This movie is fucking retarded, but the chick just did the universal Pantera “3” sign so I guess it’s cool now. She did the “3” sign and then everyone starts breaking shit… Dimebag would be proud
  • I may have memorized pitch, but my butt trumpet has perfect pitch… and that was definitely a G#
  • I just saw a ground hog… That motherfucker is late!
  • I’m an equal opportunity leg humper
  • I like to tweet, kik, text, and gtalk people on Sunday mornings just in case they’re at church and forgot to turn off their ringer
  • Isn’t it about time we face the music and rename “America The Beautiful” to “America, The Broke Obese and Lazy?”
  • How about instead of looking for intelligent life on other planets, we find intelligent life on Earth first
  • There are some trends these hipsters are trying to push on us GenXers that I’m not willing to accept! Like that whole having kids thing
  • Cucumbers are just pickles who’ve failed at life
  • While beards are certainly gnarly, they should never be worn by clams
  • I think it’s pretty ingenuous that there’s no bail set for twitter jail… Because SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
  • That picture just made my crabs jump ship in fear of their lives
  • She should use one of those “convert your face to a zombie” apps… She’d probably look ok as a zombie
  • There’s something very satisfying about giving an ugly person who thinks they’re hot a complex. She’s probably fat too
  • oops, that’s more than just the tip… my bad
  • That awesome feeling when pretty much every muscle in your body is cramping up. No, not PMS, I have a penis
  • Who has two thumbs and DOESN’T post pictures of their stupid fucking meals to social media sites? It should be YOU!
  • I may not know shit about shit, but I’m quite the expert on toilet paper.
  • There’s something about a chick who can play “YYZ” by Rush on bass that… well I won’t need porn tonight, I’ll tell you that
  • I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. Is that your dog or your wig?
  • I don’t really care, I’m just a Smile & Nod NINJA!
  • It’s probably a good thing conspiracy theorists don’t get laid. Ladies… do you REALLY want your vag exposed to that line of thinking?
  • I’m using reverse psychology on my stalker by stalking her back. Then the making out
  • It’s time to take control of your life! Quit your job, divorce your spouse, sell the kids on CraigsList
  • If I have a daughter, I’m going to name her Listerine. She’ll never need to use deodorant or perfume because she’ll always be minty fresh
  • The formula is rather simple: Oprah recommends a book, it becomes a blockbuster flick, your penis shrivels up like a salted slug
  • I think it’d be fun to go on Wheel Of Fortune and just guess punctuation and numbers to fuck with 30 years of Pat Sayjek’s dictatorship
  • There’s no crying in clown punching
  • I’m allergic to this cot… Anyone have a gurney I can borrow instead?
  • For Halloween I’m going to dress up as a giant election ballot that has two options: “Black Guy” and “Mormon”
  • My feet are cramping up, which one of you sick, pms-ing bitches used your cramp voodoo on my feet?
  • If my tweets don’t put a smile on your face, try taking a screw driver to your eye balls and then read them in Braille
  • The problem with women is that they never feel obligated to run around the joint with man panties on their head after coitus.
  • I randomly flip off women to show off the bonus features.
  • I like to refer to 70’s bush as “the Ewok” when describing vagina types to nerds who’ve never seen one.
  • I come <sp?> with my own research and development department
  • So apparently “former professional booger eater” is no longer acceptable on your resume. My people DID NOT inform me of this
  • Either the caffeine is wearing off, or my blood contains a miracle cure for Parkinsons’s disease. Either way it’s time to go spoon your Mom
  • Forget about the summer and winter Olympics… I want to win the gold medal for the boner Olympics
  • Post-it notes to self… Because then you’d look fucking awesome
  • Whenever a show is like “do not try this at home!” Duh! That’s why I try it at other people’s houses
  • I really don’t give a shit about some restaurant chain releasing yet another shitty app for my phone. Want me to use your app? Free food
  • Even your dog doesn’t call that hideous noise you make in the shower “singing”
  • When a dude asks a girl out on a date, he’s making the first move… Thus, the bitch should offer to pay for it since it’s now her move.
  • I miss the goth scene, when useless people would constantly talk about offing themselves and you could just dare them and get results
  • NEVER under ANY circumstances should you go to a brothel in the morning and order an “egg Mcmuffin”
  • Really? There’s a party in your pants? I never would have guessed it. Just so happens there’s also a party in my chainsaw.
  • Twitter: because evil is fun
  • Goal for the day: be more awesome, Anticipated success rate of said goal: %100 because I already achieved it when I got out of bed
  • I accomplish less things in the first three hours of my morning than you do in 5 minutes of your sleep
  • I totally get why it’s illegal to stab people, it’s messy. Why we can’t just shove them down the stairs though… I’ll never understand
  • If someone gets offended by something you say, good for them! Perhaps it will make them think outside their stupid fucking box for once
  • Shouldn’t you be off doing something else? The Evil Clowns in your closet are beckoning you.
  • I’ve already had North, East, and South Nile virus… Trying to get West to finish my collection. Then I get the gold series starter pack
  • I finally figured out a way to keep my retinas from burning from looking at ugly chicks… Liquid Nitrogen
  • When I grow up, I want to be a roadie for Steel Panther
  • So if I have 4 shits, and I give you 3… How many shits do I have left to give? Answer: 0 Because… PIE-FACE!
  • Holding a grudge is the only thing keeping me from strangling you, so you’re welcome… Now fuck off for a couple hours
  • The only time I don’t get the joke is when it’s just dumb shit that never should have dribbled out of your cakehole in the first place
  • I think it’s safe to say that at this point in my life, I’ve seen more boobies than there are humans currently alive on the planet
  • Disney: Because Aesop was a pussy
  • The X-Games REALLY needs to add midget skateboarding to the agenda. Especially the monster ramp that’s skyscraper high
  • Technology is here to serve a purpose people. No more need to write erotic shit for the bitches, just point, shoot, send.
  • Dear God, after 37 years with no break, I’m reporting you to the Department of Labor, AND the Better Business Bureau
  • Shouldn’t “Asian Fusion” cuisine just be called “Asian” since they all look the same anyway?
  • I wish there was a way to store morning breath to use as a lethal weapon during times of need.
  • God is dog spelled backwards, and a dog is man’s best friend right? So in theory God is NOT my friend… plus he owes me money.
  • If I was John Mayer, I would’ve called the song “Your body is a disaster and your shoes don’t match your outfit bitch”
  • Dear Ugly Girl, I understand you have feeling and need loving too. That’s what ugly people support groups are for.
  • If you’re so disgustingly hideous that you have to use your pets’ face for an avatar… Thank you
  • Breaking News: Mars rover “curiosity” confirms women are definitely not from Mars
  • I think Justin Beiber blatantly plagiarized the lyrics to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” and should be tried
  • So apparently “Bumping Uglies” isn’t shoving your mother in-law down the staircase. Who knew?
  • My life pool is already full of urine, proceed if you must… I don’t really give a shit
  • Dear Lana Parilla, I don’t know who you are, but your highly obsessed fans tend to stalk me too. Can we join forces and restraining order?
  • I’d be willing to bet %98 of women who say they “love” their boobs, are flaunting aftermarket saline and silicone
  • I’m thoroughly convinced that twitter is actually a “butherface” sanctuary since most of you have killer bodies but never show your face
  • Can someone explain to me why Google hasn’t just purchased the rights to the white & yellow pages so my phone knows everyone’s number?
  • But (your mom’s name here), I don’t want to get out of bed and start my day yet… I don’t care if it’d past noon
  • The heat is back and after that workout, I smell like the leftovers of a Somalian orgy.
  • Whenever someone asks me if I have ants in my pants, I decline and tell them I do have a Condor in my cod piece though
  • If you think being called the pet name “Poop Dumpling” is tender and loving… You’re my kinda girl
  • I’m the kind of guy you want to take to meet your folks… And then bang on the bed you grew up sleeping in
  • Who has two thumbs and isn’t paying attention to you today?
  • I’d bet good money that Chewbacca thinks humans are fucking morons after all the shit he went through in the 3 Star Wars flicks
  • If you’re not stirring up a hornets nest when you speak, then you’d better be talented in other ways with that piehole of yours or shut the fuck up
  • I often wish that a duct tape fairy followed me around to dispense 4 inch strips of “shut the fuck up” whenever a pun is unleashed
  • Ok this is where the podcast ends, the music plays, and you hear a word from my sponsor. Goodnight dumpster divers
  • Instead of a swear jar, I’m making a blueballs jar. Every time you leave me hanging… Quarter
  • Her concept of time defies every theory in human existence. Actually, concept isn’t the right word, it’s more like “figment”
  • If a chick wants to have sex to Enigma, you’re better off saving your virginity for a later date
  • Confidence, wit, and a great smile do not a hot chick make. Now if she puts out too…
  • Contrary to popular belief, banging a chick with a plethora of cottage cheese does not qualify as making a dude “cultured.”
  • She calls me egotistical, yet she loves the side effects of stroking my ego. That just be very difficult for her
  • Nothing you can do or say to convince me that you’re not an idiot, perhaps you should convince me you’re not a whore instead
  • I don’t expect you to comprehend, but your full support of whatever stupid shit I decide to do would be greatly appreciated.
  • So many beautiful ladies, so little attention span to give.
  • Damn excercising makes me horny… and so does sex
  • Old guitar strings are like old girlfriends, you can keep playing them… But the new ones produce better results when you work the G string
  • I’m pretty sure I have RPS Restless Penis Syndrome
  • FML with a belt sander
  • If I wasn’t a gentleman I’d say “in my pants.” Since I am a gentleman though, I’ll say “in my britches” instead
  • I’m getting totally wasted on a rootbeer float. Shut up! Don’t you DARE kill my rootbeer buzz!
  • So ya lived the dream and it was a nightmare… why don’t you now live the coma so you’ll shut the fuck up about it?
  • My entire life has been a mid-life crisis. I can’t wait to become a senior and forget all of it… And poop myself
  • They need to make a voice activated first aide app for Android… Because if my hands and/or fingers get chopped off, touchscreen? Really?
  • You know that “knock knock” joke about the interrupting cow? I’m pretty sure that’s where twitter was inspired to use it’s 140 character MOO
  • Since Instagram has become so popular with everyone taking photos of food and such, how about an app where we can post our vomit pics?
  • Life is a lot more interesting when every conversation is a one-sided conversation. You were saying?
  • I done lost my mind! If you find it, sell it on Ebay or something… I sure as hell don’t want it back
  • She told me to “assume the position” so I made like a running back, and sprinted 100 yards away from the crazy bitch
  • Her: “What would You do for a Klondike bar?” Me: “I’d just go downstairs and get it my damn self”
  • Her: “I’m gonna slum it today” me: “as opposed to…?”
  • A day of shopping, my balls are chilling back at the house in a jar apparently.
  • Apparently this store hired the crypt keeper to guard the fitting rooms. I’m creeped out and intrigued all at the same time. I would take a picture of it for you, but I’m afraid it would melt me with it’s glaring stare if it caught me taking photos.
  • Me to her: “I can order chicken, stab the hell out of it, and tell everyone why my cock is sore”
  • I had to narrow it down to just one twitter crush, and it pains me to say… I’m sorry, but it’s not you. There will be punch & pie though
  • The evil woman has brainwashed me into a “normal” sleep schedule with offerings of booty, excellent food, new clothes, and concert tickets.*side note, I forgot to mention she tips well in that tweet*
  • Ugh high today 101 with a humidity factor of “take a Gold Bond bath”
  • I just figured out why she’s so good to me. She’s just using me as a long term test subject for the book she’s authoring on multiple orgasms
  • I should try and find a way to profit from my morning wood… Because… Seriously
  • I would tell you to shut your mouth… But it’s just sooooo talented
  • 10 reasons why you shouldn’t use instagram: It FUCKING SUCKS! STOP IT! (repeat 9 times)
  • Guns don’t kill people, pussies armed with guns kill people
  • I think I’m going to start the Weenie Lottery Ladies, tickets start at $1 and trust me… you WILL want to win the jackpot!
  • I believe there’s multiple levels of insanity… and I’ve already managed to master all of them.
  • It’s funny how the ugly girls on twitter always seem to be the ones who tweet relationship advice like they actually get dates
  • Your tweets are just tweets… Not songs, poetry, nor works of art. So stop with the sappy introspective shit and start with the fart jokes
  • I wonder if I carried around a red wagon with a long board on it and sold pot… if I’d be considered an “over the counter” drug dealer
  • Dear introspective tweeter who’s selfishly filling my timeline with booooorrriiinnnggg, I just farted… And we’re all glad he dumped you
  • The solution to that moment when you’re not too sure whether you’re still drunk, or hungover; can be easily answered by having another beer
  • They say if you’re interested in a chick, you should ask her lots of questions about herself. I just tell her to shut up and listen
  • Thanks to google, you can no longer share the experience of reading “The Black Stallion” with your kids by telling them to go look it up
  • I like to think of myself as more of a one man suburban demolition squad than a home wrecker.
  • Flowers… Because she really does have your balls in her dresser drawer
  • I don’t support gay marriage… Not because I have a thing against gay people, but because I have a thing against marriage.
  • Insomnia is just practicing for your post-mortem zombie ass to be able to party like a Zombie Rockstar
  • In my experience there are two kinds of math. Simple math, and fuuuuuuuu
  • Butt crack… Because it’s less effort than actually waving and saying “hello neighbor”
  • “Bring home the bacon” she says… She wasn’t very amused when I got home and spit a mouth full of bacon bits at her.
  • She doesn’t have your balls stashed away in her dresser drawer? Quick test: right when she steps from the shower, call her Medusa for ten minutes
  • So there’s a bunch of major storms battering Pennsylvania… I always thought Pennsylvania was a fictitious country where Dracula resides
  • There is no such thing as a “low Blow” in a street fight, nor a battle of wits
  • Double Rainbows are double stupid… and double gay
  • me: “I love your face” her: “That’s not the part of my body I’d like you to love” me: “Solution: FrankenYou?”
  • It’s always when I have shit going on the next day that I can’t fall sleep early. It is the fault of the Wang
  • I’m going to join instagram and post pictures of all my meals… With my balls as a side dish. Now THAT is how ya do food porn
  • Rooster, Cock… Call it whatever you want. Just don’t whine about it abruptly waking you up at sunrise when it’s poking you in the butt
  • I’m thinking about making myself breakfast just to wake everyone else in the house with the aroma… Then go to sleep.
  • How long does the Olympics last anyway? I’m just trying to figure out when to have them roll away the stone for my staged resurrection
  • My muscles aren’t sore from yesterday, that’s just the fat trying to have a bad attitude and losing!
  • I’m kind of surprised nobody has attempted to make designer adult bibs a part of hip-hop culture
  • Isn’t “Sunday Funday” supposed to be fun? So I don’t get it… Church?
  • Fat people aren’t photogenic, that’s why Biggest Loser is all crane shots until about two Weeks before the finale.
  • It’s never really much of a pissing contest when the competition has to sit down to pee
  • So many lesbians tell me that if I was a girl, they’d fuck me… I think it may have subconsciously influenced me to grow my long hair.
  • I’ve never been there, but is it true that everything in Mexico has a sepia tone haze to it?
  • Anyone know of a place where one can order lasagna for breakfast? THAT is what’s completely wrong with society today… Fucking food Nazis
  • It’d be a welcome change if instead of twitter saying “so and so is following you” it said “so and so wants you in their panties”
  • I’m going to start practicing at Bingo when I turn 40 so by the time I’m 70 I’m taking down bitches like a CHAMPION!
  • Tornadoes in DC today… apparently god hates politics and ugly people
  • Today I woke up on a “Normal” person’s schedule. Whoever finds my body hanging from the tree… pinata
  • I’m disappointed that I woke up today and life doesn’t smell like bacon. I’m going back to bed for a second attempt later.
  • her: “This is making me feel like I wish I was single” me: “Yep, it’s that time of month”
  • people are just a series of patterns… like little puzzles you try to figure out. Like any puzzle, once you solve it… Next
  • Her: “You’re freaking me out” me:” No I’m not freaking you out, I’m going to bed. Freaking you out would require too much effort”
  • Attention ladies, if you’re the love of my life… feel free to hop in the hot tub with the rest of them, there’s plenty of room
  • Her: “Rest is for the wicked” me: “yep, and I’m sleepy”
  • Ok final verdict… Battlestar Galactica is dumb unless hot blonde is on screen. Then it’s badass for a minute or two. No wonder people who watch this kind of programming never get laid
  • Since she’s Asian I wrote her a Haiku… isn’t that how you speak their language anyway?
  • Ever wonder why major cell phone carriers don’t offer Voice P.O. Boxes? Probably because it’s a stupid fucking idea huh?
  • Nothing like having your To Do list app kill all of your junk you were supposed to do. The good news, apparently now I don’t have to do shit
  • If I was ever given the death penalty, I think it’d be cool to be executed by hanging… from a noose made of a badass macaroni necklace
  • We should try and send tweets to alien.planets to help ward off possible invasion. They’d be like “no intelligent life there” and move on.
  • Pop music is to music what Bologna and cheese are to gourmet cooking.
  • Whenever I tell a girl I write songs and she’s like “write me one,” I just bash my guitar against her face and bury her in the back yard
  • Most people at my age have kids, a divorce or two, a mortgage to pay, a marriage, thousands in debt, car payment… And I’M doing it wrong?
  • I don’t understand monogamy. I mean, my bed is big enough for at least three of us… Why be selfish?
  • People who purchase single ply toilet paper should be spayed or neutered
  • I’m changing the name to better reflect the new generation. Boob sweat will hereby be referred to as “Boob Gravy.”
  • My goal is to make you spew milk out of your nostrils while you’re suckling on the preverbal tit of the twitter bird.
  • I would totally volunteer to be the guy who cuddles with Meg Ryan every night.
  • A couple years ago I decided to be my own publicist. Let’s just say that maneuver hasn’t worked out so well.
  • I enjoy how hipsters are devolving the English language back to caveman speak. Can’t wait until clubbing the fuckers in the face is legal
  • Princess, Donkey’s ass… Same thing
  • I’ve always assumed that society is stupid and immature because the majority of you had your wisdom teeth pulled
  • Any girl who says money can’t buy you happiness… Obviously hasn’t flown me out to hang with her for a week
  • “You’z a fine mutha fuckah won’t you back dat azz up” -Some kid in A.P. English class quoting a “historic literary work” in the year 3516
  • I’m not looking for perfection, but I’m not looking for desperation either.
  • Thanks to those of you who’ve sat through my twitter sermon today. Hopefully it was uplifting your skirt for you.
  • Once again the tech sites are choking on Apple’s giant corporate cock. Someone get those iDorks some fucking bibs please
  • I wonder if I can claim “pissing people off” as a hobby on my taxes and write off a bunch of debts. In theory, I shouldn’t owe shit
  • Let’s form a “tribute” band called “Walk Of Shame” that plays cover tunes that are notoriously derogatory to women.
  • I have such bad gas that my bedroom currently smells like a nursing home
  • Dear people who suck at life, perhaps you’d fare better attempting not to suck at death instead.
  • Your life is just a broken record stuck playing over and over in a jukebox… Thank God I remembered to bring my headphones.
  • When I was a kid, I played drums to release aggression. Now that I’m older, I use aggression to release aggression.
  • Sometimes in life… Shit just is. Instead of wasting so much time dwelling on it, just try accepting that it’s shit, step over it, move on
  • Think of me as the lifeguard who’s there to help pull ya out so you can try again… But only because I want to give you mouth-to-mouth
  • I want to put together a touring attraction that’s made up of only the most vicious, rabid stuffed animals for use as a petting zoo.
  • I need to hunt down that chick.”Charity” that everyone’s always giving money to and marry that bitch.
  • I’m the guy who would go to a “tweet up” for the sole purpose of standing on a table and peeing all over everyone to claim my property
  • If there’s one thing about myself I take pride in… It’s everything. I’m awesome
  • Dear Stupid, You want me to assist you in putting your motorcycle on the truck, you should step away from the dirty vagina before it rains
  • Up before noon on a Saturday. Jesus would be so disappointed in me.
  • I have officially lived! Someone I know was invited to be a hooker. Kill me now please, life CAN NOT get any better!
  • her: “I’m still grinding away here” me: “I hope you’re wearing safety goggles or all this beauty rest I’ve been getting is all for nothing”
  • I may or may not masturbate to the e-mails I recieve saying you’ve favorited my tweets
  • I’m pretty sre my declining eyesight has nothing to do with old age and everything to do with masturbation
  • The story of my life post discovering the internet can be summed up in 2 words: Still Downloading
  • The beautiful thing about twitter… it completely shits on the “6 degrees of seperation” theory. You’re now 1 degree away from everybody
  • Let it be written… people who go to bed before midnight are QUITTERS!
  • Getting dumped via text message is the new “It’s not me, it’s you”
  • Attention ladies, Today is NOT Lumpy Butt Wednesday… that was actually a clerical error. Sorry for the confusion.
  • A Social Alcoholic just drinks to dumb themselves down to “normal” people’s IQ for a bit to better understand the enemy
  • Does anyone know what the phrase “I’m gonna take the Honky Train to Chocolate town” means anyway?
  • I have a foot the size of my blister… But I’ll be damned if my pimp limp/zombie walk isn’t perfect after the weekend!
  • Have you ever wondered what the suicide rate for the employees of Laffy Taffy who write the jokes must be?
  • My bed is an attention whore… And you know me and how i deal with attention whores.
  • I’m boycotting beauty rest in protest of grocers gluttony of plastic bags. Perhaps if I get ugly enough they’ll switch to back to paper.
  • I love it when I respond to a text “hey, I’m going to sleep” and here we are 45 minutes of conversation later.
  • Relationships are like banana peels. I have no idea where I was going with that, but I’m sure it’ll make sense to someone
  • I’m off to dreamland… Where all of you look like porn stars, the tweets are hilarious, and I burn money out of boredom.
  • Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for all of the special people in my life… And by special I mean DERP
  • Today I’m in the mood to only give a shit if it’s going to 1. Include sexual favors 2. Make me money 3. Both of the above
  • I was really hoping Tropical Storm Debbie somehow hit Texas and made it all the way to Dallas. Just seemed fitting for some reason
  • I’m not ignoring you… I’m saving that for tomorrow
  • You know the one thing that sucks the 2nd most about living in Missouri? No Anacondas to eat the young and help control the population
  • I’ll never understand how the piggy bank is so socially popular, yet the lemming bank still flies mostly under the radar
  • Some of the chicks on my timeline are so filthy, I feel like I need to wear a finger condom to scroll through their tweets.
  • Whoever was supposed to be bringing me breakfast in bed is fired. Now hiring
  • It’s good to really piss em off every once in a while… Makes for killer makeup sex
  • My new $1,000,000 idea. Bath Peppers that make you think you’re a fucking werewolf!
  • I’m sorry, but I can’t really call what you do “comebacks” it’s more like a verbal boomerang.
  • I’m tired of all these new “holidays” that suck. Fuck that! Let’s make June 30th #BeADickDay and have a Real celebration!
  • her: “Got all the boogers out of your eyes?” me: “I think so… still working on the boogers in my nose though, wanna help me out?”
  • So now that weed turns people into face craving “zombies” is it considered a “hard” drug? $10 says the government has a field day with this
  • Who’s dumb idea was it to go walking in 106 degree weather? Oh yeah mine. I feel like I have a beer buzz
  • Some conversations should have ended like 30 minutes ago.
  • Asking me what my “plan” for the day will be… Is like asking a goldfish if he’s going to swim, eat, and shit in the fishbowl
  • Plan for the day: breathe. Anticipated success rate of said plan: %100. Backup plan for the day: Blink. Anticipated… : %97
    The 3 percent failure rate is due to staring at hot chicks
  • her: “I could totally pimp you” me: “no you couldn’t… you’re too attached to the merchandise”
  • If your concept of a battle of wits is slap boxing… we should probably not converse
  • Watching Gangs Of New York… what a misleading title. Didn’t see a single crack rock in the entire movie
  • 35 hours awake, 3 hours sleep… It’s like I’m a cast member on deadliest catch except these are NOT the right kind of crabs I’m catching. That was a joke… I haven’t had crabs since your mom raised her prices months ago
  • The problem with waking up this early is none of my favorite bitches are awake to bring me breakfast in bed. Time to find some new bitches.
  • In a Dyslexic Zombie Apocalypse you’re totally fucked if your name is Brian
  • Am I alone in thinking that Beavis & Butthead should host the next Victoria’s Secret fashion show? Think about how Epic that would be!
  • I almost tweeted the most offensive tweet ever… The thought police sent me a DM threatening me with a life sentence in 2018 though 🙁
  • This morning, my nose is jealous of my eyes over the quantity of boogers
  • Every morning I look in the mirror and say to myself “Hey there handsome!” Then I turn the light on… fuuuuuuuu
  • Dear hopeless romantic, it’s called “hopeless” for a reason. Now snap out of it and go get laid like the rest of us do.
  • Commando: it’s all fun and games until you accidentally snag your junk in your zipper.
  • It’s hump day so I haven’t been tweeting too much… way too busy humping your couch
  • Life would be so much easier if women were like Animal Crackers.
  • With “The Avengers” coming out this weekend, I’m going to take a moment of silence for condom shareholders who’s stock shares will plummet. I’m totally kidding. Guys who go see a movie like that on opening weekend don’t get laid… Carry on
  • I watched “Girl with the dragon tattoo” the other day on a recommendation. That individual is now hanging in a cage from a very tall tree. It should have been called “creepy effeminate boy with no eyebrows whores self out and fucks boring detective.” I was hoping they all died. Watching “Girl with a dragon tattoo” was like watching “Moneyball,” I’d rather collect used Depends as a hobby than watch those shit movies again.
  • Ladies, “Baby Got Back” was a trend that died in the 90’s. It’s time to move on and get rid of that thing.
  • Narcissism? Pssshhh I’m too good for that
  • I once told a female photographer to “get my good side” as I posed for her. Turned out all the pics were from the waist down.
  • In the world of rockstardom, you NEVER marry your biggest fan. In the world of twitter, that’s probably your only option.
  • I just got so much beauty rest that I woke up to a call from Cosmo saying they’re starting a men’s edition just to put me on the cover.
  • I think I got too much sun today… As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still melting.
  • I think a GWAR concert in exchange for a night of Zumba and a Latin club is a fair trade… right?
  • Your relationship might be in the shitter when you communicate better over “Draw Something” than you do in real life
  • Worst Swype fail EVER! DIET instead of Shower? Really?! Guess who won the Dickhead of the day award already.
  • what do ya get when you mix pms, sleep deprivation, hunger, and a broken heart into an intelligent woman? Trust me, you NEVER want to know!
  • Today is a “Eat twizzlers til’ ya puke” kinda day. I dunno just seems like something interesting that I’ve never done before
  • I’ll see your metaphor and raise you two examples of why it doesn’t work in your favor
  • her: “I’m about to eat myself” me: “Now that’s talent… self cannibalism”
  • Your intelligence, kindness, and generosity are astounding. You’re ability to annoy the piss out of me in 30 seconds or less… Not so much. Stick with option A and we’re good
  • I tend to gravitate towards the sweethearts that allow me to sleep in, instead of the vultures who pick at my dead corpse in the morning.
  • I’ll let you get sum o dat beauty rest… Then you’ll have more to hand out to ugly people
  • Did I REALLY just throw in the towel and get out of bed before noon? I’m such a quitter.
  • I had the most awesome dream that I was dating Jenna Haze… Then I woke up. Fuck you reality, you’re a Dick!
  • Every time I get out of bed, I feel like I just dumped the hottest woman in the world.
  • The great thing about one sided conversations… I really get to know a lot more about myself.
  • Weapon Of Mass Erection ™: The final outfit a hot chick chooses to wear out for an evening of man hunting.
  • It’s not that I have bad luck, it’s that I have good luck at the wrong times.
  • Some people are only good for 1 thing… and it sure as hell isn’t for talking
  • Honey, you make my man-panties bulge
  • I’m going back to Cali… erm… Sleep
  • I dunno about you guys, but I really think Michael Jackson was onto some seriously revolutionary shit when it comes to sleep therapy. I bet I can hire Dr.Conrad Murray for dirt cheap these days and get to like… Level 8 inception.
  • I think I may have pink eye. Does anyone have some Worcestershire sauce handy?
  • My left eyeball is bleeding uncontrollably… But my blood is clear, weird.
  • Goal for the day: Actually get out of bed, scratch balls. Not particularly in that order.
  • Twitter crush… That’s where we convince our stalkers there’s a flash mob going on in a building that’s about to get demolished right?
  • Today seems like a great day for a random tree to fall on my face and cure me of this 3 day migraine
  • Had to make up for lost beauty rest the past couple days. No worries ladies, I’m handsome as shit again. Now to actually get out of bed
  • Hang on, potential ex girlfriend is calling” Lol I’ve taught my friends well
  • If I was a superhero, my super power would be selectively ignoring pleas of “Help Me” & not give a shit about other people’s stupid problems
  • I don’t get angry anymore, I get disappointed… it’s WAY more effective
  • So tonight I learned… nothing, but I had a damn good time doing it!
  • Her: “ur better for everything” Me: ” Can I get that in a written, signed, and notarized statement please?” Her: “I may be takin that back later”
  • According to my calculations, I’ve had exactly an hour and a half of sleep. Granted, I suck at math and calculatoring
  • I think I’m going to audition for Americas Got Talent just so I can meet Piers Morgan. He’s way funnier now with the long hair and beak
  • I love it when people quote famous quotes from people who died doing said famous quote. Fucking irony
  • I get super creeped out whenever I’m walking home late at night and nobody jumps out of the bushes to try and rob me. Am I doing it wrong?
  • The secret to keeping stalkers like yourselves at bay while still using foursquare… Check in when you leave the joint.
  • I’m going to go open a bunch of cans and buy a shit ton of string. Perhaps that will fix the communication problems in my non-relationships
  • For some reason I have that nagging feeling that I might not have offended a certain someone today. I need to practice more
  • I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the stupid people in my life. You make my ultimate goal of hating the world so much easier.
  • I’m going to volunteer to be the test subject for zombie-like virii/fungi/bacterial infections. How awesome it’d be to be the original. Then my zombified ass would have an even better excuse to make your lives miserable, and I’d look cool doing it
  • Don’t view my tweets as negative energy. See them as tokens of health. I get it out of my system, and the world lives to see a new day.
  • Thank you twitter for giving those douchebags who yell at the tv yet another tool to prove they are worthless pieces of future maggot food
  • I don’t really care about your Sunday Funday plans… What are you doing for Motorboat Monday though?
  • Had crab earlier, now ice cream. If I am what I eat… I should probably borrow your gynecologist and get things fixed huh?
  • I give up on you and your lack of Android skills. Go buy a damn iPhone
  • Today I remembered to sleep in until 3pm… Memorial Day Success!
  • her: “Having alzheimers has it’s perks… I get to sleep with someone new every time” me:” Which one are you again?”
  • Lace thongs, grandma panties… same thing at your age
  • Crowd control helps keep you fuckers from crop dusting all over my timeline
  • I think that blow to my head last night actually did some good… I feel smarter… if that’s even humanly possible
  • Just an fyi, “Hooker” is a term of endearment. “Whore” is a term of fact. “Slut” is a term that means you can congratulate yourself
  • I’m not peeing in your pool, it’s more like I’m peeing in the bushes just outside your pool.
  • her: “Hang on, I’m checking my yahoo” me: “Shave it while you’re down there”
  • I actually thought I would make it to 40 without a single gray hair… until I met you
  • I called her “sweet tits.” She replied “Put a nipple in it Buddy!” Keeper
  • The idea of an adult version of “Draw Something” seems awesome until you have to draw the word “Placenta”
  • I like my women like I like my Mr. Clean mascot… bald
  • I thought you had to be in school in order to receive a hall pass. Sorry ladies, I declined.
  • I just noticed I have close to 18k tweets. You’d think I’d be in the corner crying, but 15k of those were responsible for getting me laid.
  • I’m kinda hoping the zombie apocalypse starts tomorrow so I can legally dismember people with a chainsaw. I could REALLY use the excercise
  • it’s ok, compulsive liar and compulsive manipulator are 2 completely different things
  • Bitches be trippin’ I be catchin’ em and taking em back to my crib
  • I always thought RP in someone’s bio meant “Rating Pending.” That certainly would’ve explained all the X-rated tumblrs.
  • I’m my own twitter crush. Don’t hate, I’m just that damn handsome
  • I’m still awake and way past the point of exhaustion and now in stupid fun mode. Who wants to ride my imaginary pet pterodactyl?
  • I watched Jackass 3D this morning while doing some work. For some reason, watching that movie makes me feel like a fucking genius.
  • I’m pretty sure I’d be obligated to marry a chick who names her farts
  • The great thing about going to bed at 7am, I manage to avoid all the over-paid douchebags in suits who continue to make society dumber
  • I’m thinking about throwing together a Melodic Death Metal/Emo/Grind-Core/Rap/Jam-band and calling it “Sammich”
  • I just sneezed up what I believe could be the next “Mystery Ingredient” for a future episode of Iron Chef America
  • It’s not “trolling” if you carry your “certified awesome” card. Then it’s just antisocial commentary
  • What does all that mean? It means the only thing keeping my computer from being perfect is it’s lack of ability to give head.
  • If you don’t know the difference between a sim card and an SD card, perhaps you should stick with a “dumb” phone
  • I just saw the picture going around of the miss piggy wardrobe malfunction… I want to kill myself
  • It’s like Alanis Morrisette, The Chick from the Cranberries, and a mini pincher I just punted into next week all sang at once (Talking about Adele)
  • ok seriously… food or you’ll see a 10.5 earthquake in Missouri I’ll be shaking so bad
  • the sound of mourning doves makes me want to shoot myself in the face
  • Is it naked time yet, or am I just a little too far ahead of the curve?
  • I’m not bored because I’m a boring person, I’m bored because YOU’RE a boring person!
  • Goal for today: Bang female ginger midget wearing green, toss in cauldron so she can’t escape… Throw in gold chocolate coins and skittles. (St. Patty’s day fun)
  • Dr.House is on PBS playing piano and singing. If he was a good actor, he’d have me convinced he doesn’t sound like shit.
  • No, I don’t care about your day or your feelings, I’m just here to fuck yo couch
  • Looks like the Incredible Hulk gave you a facial (at friend who painted face green for St. Patty’s day)
  • I’m so badass lightning bolts are afraid to strike me (sheepishly looking around at sky now)… yeah
  • I’m curious why no band has named an album “Snot Rocket Straight To Mars” yet.
  • had cheetos and almonds for lunch today… yep I’m dumb, but you’re the one with the lumpy butt not me 😛
  • She isn’t mad because they lost her luggage, she’ mad because her “favorite pink vibrator” was in that bag. Keeper!
  • There’s something about women who’s tweets say “via twitter for Android” that REALLY turns me on
  • my in-ears always sound funky when the humidty is high. Less high end. It’s probably just allergies but I’d rather blame the equipment
  • I’m not anti-marriage… I’m anti-BAD marriage. Yep, I’m anti-marriage
  • I should have gone to law school to become a divorce lawyer… I’d be soooo good at it
  • I don’t expect you to read all of my tweets… hell, I don’t even read all of my tweets
  • I totally cropdust on the first date
  • New reality show idea: I ask random chicks on twitter to marry me until one accepts the propsal, the rest is filmed until wedding
  • gonna get some beauty rest. Not that I need it… so I can loan it out to you ugly bastards 😛
  • you know what the most challenging thing about running Moron Apocalypse is? spelling and grammar when criticizing a moron. can’t risk looking like an uneducated dumbass (even though I’m fully qualified)
  • So if you came with a warning label, what would I need to know before attempting a recommended dosage?
  • haha I just received a check from a client where the memo says “Awesomeness”
  • Started the first day of Spring out just right… yep, allergy pill. You thought I was gonna say I got some booty this morning didn’t you?
  • I would like to personally apologize to Mexico for that 7.6, that new Doritos taco at Taco Bell didn’t set too well with my bunghole
  • So literally… Ontario is playing “Captain Save A Ho”
  • blistered feet + a couple miles walking around in the hot sun = Best zombie Walk EVER!
  • The true irony of social media is that most of the people who do it best, are anti-social douchebags.
  • Never show up to a battle of wits armed with merely a potato gun, and your sorry excuse for an IQ
  • If you had half an ounce of common sense in you, it would only finish off your recipe for disaster
  • I think I’m going to change this account to where it’s sole purpose is to tweet Outkast lyrics
  • I totally don’t get the concept of permantent makeup. I mean most of you look like fucking clowns with that shit already, why go permanent?
  • My armpit hair longs for the touch of your nose hair
  • How come there isn’t a white history month? Oh yeah, it’d be considered to be racist.
  • My generation had MTV, today’s generation is stuck with lyric videos on Youtube. Something is VERY wrong here
  • In celebration of Facebook’s IPO I think I’ll go delete another one of my accounts on that shithole website of theirs.
  • There’s not just something wrong with me, there’s an entire catalogue of collegiate courses dedicated to the subject of what’s wrong with me
  • If you think my early morning rants on twitter are bad, just imagine how useful this energy becomes when you wake up next to me.
  • I once got my ass chewed by a girlfriend because she was in the hospital and I bought her, and every other girl in there a red rose. Conveniently she was already in the psycho ward, I just walked out of the room and was like “That bitch IS crazy!”
  • I long for the day my Android phone says “You have one ignored phone call” instead of “You have 1 missed phone call.” I didn’t miss shit
  • Yeah 5 minutes ago, that was me caring. Here’s me not caring
  • Favstar: where all the bad comics who can’t get a gig go to feel special for once in their life. We’re laughing AT you, not with you
  • Harry Potter was drunk while filming Harry Potter. That just verifies what I’ve been saying all along… you’d have to be STUPID drunk to like those shit movies!
  • Another day of waking up too early. Contrary to popular belief though, it’s not suffocating my inner rockstar, it’s just pissing it off.
  • You know you’re worn out when coffee just makes you more tired.
  • I’m so delirious that I just tried to motor-boat myself. Ok I’m lying, but you know that was fucking funny :p
  • She said the only way she can upgrade is to fuck an elephant. I shrugged and said I’d take pictures for them.
  • I’m eating dinner mints for dinner… that is how you do it right?
  • When given an option between Lady Gaga and Adele, I’ll take a painful death instead please.
  • I’m gonna start saving up so I can take the first rocket up to mars. Fuck earth, this place is an embarrassment.
  • Perfection is a lie you tell to yourself to want to achieve and progress. You keep that up buddy, but the truth is, it’s never gonna happen
  • Did you know America has a major sweat shop problem too? It’s called your office!
  • I had a dream last night that Angelina Jolie’s leg and I were making out. Hopefully in this next round of sleep, we’ll get to 3rd base.
  • She has a way of turning me on that would make your mom jealous
  • Yeah, I couldn’t sell shit in a fertilizer store with my looks compared to that guy. (in response to her saying “Looks sells”)
  • Ah yes, because you always think I’m full of shit… just to see the truth go seeping down the inside of your leg
  • I’m a giver… it helps feed my ego
  • I sure don’t smell like I just showered yesterday
  • No camera in the world can filter out beautiful
  • I think life would be way cooler if men got a lightning storm to accompany their boners
  • You’re like the good choose your own adventure book, where you want to know all the stories, all the plots, all the endings…then do it all over again because it was such a great adventure
  • I would like to take a moment to thank LinkedIn for sending me new victims… erm clients
  • I should probably go get food before my diet induced parkinsons kicks in
  • Who makes tuna casserole without cheese? That’s like making spaghetti with rice instead of pasta
  • Just saw a tweet that said “Nashville Area Crime Log.” I’m surprised that it wasn’t just a picture of Buck Wild with a red circle around it (side note: I used to manage Buck Wild)
  • I think I get it… you got your ass chewed in a “Come to Jesus” meeting and THAT’s why they call it a glory hole… right?
  • The only reason why “Millions” of Android devices are infected is because those dumb fuckers couldn’t afford an iPhone
  • Good morning termites. I would say that’s a term of endearment, but I’d be lying. Fyi I call you twitter termites because lately you’re killin’ my wood
  • I’m pretty sure the stress of today is the reason people turn to alcoholism… perhaps they are on to something
  • No, it’s not fucking easy… I just make it look fucking easy
  • See… now I had to go unfollow you. It was all good until you did a “#teamfollowback if you love god”. This is twitter, we like sex instead
  • You know you’re working too hard when an “open afternoon” consists of 1/2 an hour before a meeting that lasts the rest of the day
  • You see the problem with businesses in this day and age… Everyone takes everything except for the actual “business” part too serious
  • The sign of a great friend is when they slap you upside the back of the head and say “dumbass” when you start having that plague “feelings”
  • Don’t be surprised by what you find with that black light, I was 100% serious when I said “fuck yo couch”
  • Today she said “I feel guilty” and “I can’t hold a grudge” in the same convo. Guess I need to send her back to the manufacturer for repairs.
  • No, when I’m referring to “My Ninja-ness” I’m not talking about my penis. I guess it’d be a good idea to start though.
  • ugh I feel so dirty having just used IE for the first time in over a year. I want to die now
  • just had the gnarliest nose bleed ever… wasn’t planning on donating a pint today but why the hell not
  • There’s no possible way to tell someone masturbation helps you get over a fever without sounding like some kind of sick perv huh?
  • To wake up or not to wake up, that is the… Meh fuck it. See ya in a couple more hours
  • The devil made me sleep in past noon… I’m gonna show him up by sleeping another two hours.
  • I now officially accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover & American Express for my manwhoring services
  • I just got a Windows error that said “Windows cannot access Satan.” Dammit I’m switching to a MAC then! Obviously I’m kidding… Apple can suck a dick
  • There’s only one person in this world I can discuss politics with and laugh my ass off WITH them and not AT them… btw that’s not you
  • Quick, what’s something stereotypical Chinese besides egg rolls, take-out, chop sticks, fortune cookies, and bondage masks?
  • lol I asked my brother to help me think of a name for my business and he comes up with “Pimp My Listing” too bad .com is taken.  I told him that was too professional sounding
  • It feels like a great day to hurt someone’s feelings. Here, hold these egg shells while I go grab my violin and a shot of I don’t give a…
  • Every Sunday I go to church… The church of sleeping in past noon and not giving a fuck.
  • I dunno about you, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with having Steel Panther’s song “Weenie Ride” as the first dance at my wedding.
  • If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I think I want to come back as a porcupine. Porcupine’s just don’t give a fuck
  • Having a shit-ton of followers is like walking around a lake with a gaggle of geese behind you. Not really much of an accomplishment
  • I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi- YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW!
  • My attention span is like a dried up, old rubber band…might still stretch a bit, but eventually it’ll snap for good and take out your eye
  • Guys, it’s not technically “morning” until you wake up with morning wood. I’m going back to bed
  • Gas prices are going back up, economy is going back down. It’s time to start taking milk/lunch money from the elementary school kids again
  • Whenever someone says to me “That’s real talk” I’m going to punch them in their stupid face and say “no, THAT is real talk”
  • Every time a corporate stock drops in value… a kitten gets one of it’s 9 lives back
  • I think I’m gonna officially change my name to “sexual heroin” ™
  • The good news, she wasn’t offended when I played her the song “Asian Hooker.” The bad news, she said now she has to charge me.
  • I don’t care who you are, or who you THINK you are… you need some more Pantera in your life!
  • Not only should you bite the hand that feeds you… But I also recommend biting their butt
  • I’m in the ghetto in East St.Louis and people are afraid. THAT is how I roll
  • believe in what those crazy celebration churches call “the holy ghost.” She looked like she was having a seizure and spoke in tongues, followed by “Oh My God!” All she needed was a Bible and an “Amen” afterwards. I’m pretty sure she now believes in miracles… Again
  • I think I’m gonna have to ditch my contacts because they keep fogging up inside… So if you land and see me making out with some random Asian chick, it’s just because I’m blind and mistaken identity. Please be civil about the matter 🙂
  • I’ve got $20 that says my temporary soul mate can kick your temporary soul mate’s ass. No, really… she’s a brown belt and a ninja
  • This getting old thing suuuucks! I want my money back
  • Snatch? Did somebody say the word snatch? I guess it’s just on my mind then.
  • There’s something amazing and yet wrong when I have to get football updates from the women in my life.
  • Been working 12 straight hours… that’s 12 hours too long. Back to being retired
  • I would like to apologize in advance if I haven’t managed to offend you yet today. I’ve kinda been slacking.
  • I’m pretty sure my butt just “Tebowed” after taking a hellacious dump
  • If someone put “Annoying dickhead” on my Papa John’s receipt, I could die a happy man
  • Dear Satan, I’ll gladly give you my soul (again) if you PLEASE do something to make me never have to hear the term “tebowing” EVER again.
  • Go hard or go home? Well I am home and I’m hard!
  • I know caffeine-free goody’s would kind of defeat the purpose, but sleeping after my migraine dies off would be FANTASTIC
  • There is no u in “I’ve got this, now go the hell away and leave me alone!”
  • You had me at “I hate Nickelback too! Fuck that band!”
  • For such an occasion, I should start up a pizza delivery service where hot chicks will show up with pizza in your bedroom wearing lingerie. Put that in your “better ingredients” and smoke it Papa John’s
  • Today is a fantastic day to just lay in bed and pretend I don’t have priorities.
  • I know my ego seems seriously out of control most of the time, but to hear from someone that you truly care about that you made a difference, I don’t care what anyone says… that is priceless, and why I misbehave the way I do most of the time.
  • I’ve found when first meeting someone, it’s apparently not socially acceptable to say “And you must be… OH DAMN!” and start laughing
  • Tonight, like a good friend… I’m on standby in case my boy’s semi-blind double date with a chick he met while he was drunk goes awry; or in other words, she shows up and she’s fat and ugly and he doesn’t remember that part because he was drunk.
  • Life is like poker. Sometimes you’re just unlucky and should have stuck to playing checkers or tetherball.
  • I’ve been questioned on what I’m passionate about in life. I’m 100% passionate about my ability to turn your headache into a migraine
  • I’m coming up with some fantastic shit tonight. It’s like the veil of stupid subsided to a lot less stupid. I’m probably making that up
  • The best things in life sometimes come with bullshit conditions. I choose to be happy I’m able to have instead of bitching about the limits
  • I want to live in a world where it’s ok for kids to say “I want to be a pornstar when I grow up!”
  • If I could describe myself in one sentence: I’m like the Dalai Llama of Dickheads
  • I found the girl of my dreams once, then I awoke, I’d peed the bed and a nightmare was laying beside me. Now I dream about nightmares
  • Guys don’t go after girls for their hearts. If they did, every fat girl in the world would be married to the man of her dreams.
  • Dear Twitter, If at first you don’t succeed… your doing it wrong
  • Thought for the day: NOBODY loses in Strip Poker
  • You’re only as strong as your dumbest cliche
  • best pickup line ever: “So, do you always say shit this stupid during foreplay?”
  • If you’re going to lead by example, be a bad example I always say
  • I think we should stage an intervention with Dr. Drew… he’s addicted to telling people they’re addicts
  • Twitter: Because sometimes your inner monologue is more intelligent than the stupid shit coming out of your mouth
  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Poetry that rhymes is for amateur fucks who don’t need to be writing
  • Repeat this 10 times and your life will change. “I refuse to be victimized due to someone else’s poor judgment.”
  • Why is it in so-called “Reality” TV shows we never see people taking dumps? I guess “Reality” stars don’t defecate
  • It’s 7am. While most of America is getting ready to go to school, or work… i’m getting ready to do what I want
  • in life there are fish, and bears. I dunno about you, but every nature flick I’ve seen bears fuck up fish pretty bad
  • Yes, my life IS really just one long-ass dick & fart joke
  • Your telepathic alarm clock can eat a Dick! Fortunately for both of us, I have a willing participant
  • Want to see an example of successful “branding?” I’ve been branding myself as a dick on twitter for over a year now
  • While death is no laughing matter… it’s pretty funny when the tide turns after someone was a dick to you when someone you knew died
  • wow I just learned something new… and now my brain is going to explode
  • I think I just managed to sneeze up my pancreas.
  • Some days there is no right side of the bed
  • Did you know there’s a phobia for being afraid of eagles flying out of the toilet? I think it’s called urastupidparanoiddumbassaphobia
  • The person who said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” can go fuck themselves
  • I’m sorry for your loss… but payback is a whore
  • tasteless…perhaps. Funny? Absolutely
  • Remember those ads that say the PS3 “Just does everything?” Yep, it just gave your shit away
  • I’m going to find where that shithead drum instructor lives and take 2 Marshall Half-stacks over to his house at 2am and get arrested
  • There’s 5 things you don’t mess with: My Food, SLEEP, Women, Money, and my Music. They are in violation of items 1 & 3 and must pay
  • wow I’m going through my contacts and there’s a ton of chick names in there & I have NO idea who they are… and then there’s all the hot chicks who’s names I do recognize and never called… like a MORON!
  • I hope I live to see the day Apple files bankruptcy… seriously
  • don’t work smarter, or harder… make stupid people do the work
  • I see this all the time on sites “20 apps/websites to boost your productivity.” F-that, I want apps that make me LAZIER!
  • Is today “Put stupid ads all over your damn website day?” Apparently I missed the memo but it’s REALLY annoying!
  • the best part about freelancing… I show up to meetings in flip-flops and they just have to deal with it
  • I’m still waiting around for the rapper who has the balls to go by Lil’ Teapot. I would have to buy that album on principle!
  • oooh wait a sec… something useful on lifehacker today that doesn’t involve tampons & bread N butter pickles
  • It’s not that I don’t care… it’s that my brain might explode if I spend too much time thinking about it
  • must really suck having a retarded person constantly putting you in your place huh… how humiliating
  • There’s only one person on the face of the earth that I know who could manage to turn google+ into google-
  • It’s not that I have a bad attitude, it’s that your mind hasn’t learned how to fully comprehend AWESOME just yet
  • I used to say I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person… but twitter has made it sooo hilarious!
  • Running a special today on eye boogers… 5 for $4. Get them while they last, quantities are limited!
  • They say it’s good to have goals in life… I say fuck that, it’s WAY better to have a bag full of pecans
  • If I could be doing any one thing other than representing the ONLY person on twitter right now… it’d be peeing on an electric fence
  • You can take the slow train to nowhere, I’ll take the boat that goes straight to hell
  • Let’s write a song together… you start with an idea or a line. here comes the first verse… sit quietly and listen… *ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttttttttttttttttt*
  • I’m gonna belly flop onto my bed like it’s a sea of cheap hookers
  • That glaze in my eyes isn’t from lack of sleep… it’s from rubbing damn doughnuts all over my eyeballs to see what it feels like
  • Google, it’s a good thing you got into phones because your search engine is a big ugly pile of SHIT!
  • sometimes life is so damn simple that I feel like the only way to help people “Get it” is to just bitch-slap the shit out of them
  • I’m going to shove that fucker’s whistle so far down his stupid fucking throat that every time he farts, someone looks for a yellow flag
  • If I ever decide to write a book… the title is going to be “Calling The Bluff That Is Humanity” ™
  • Whether you know it or not, every day you inspire me to be something better… right when I log out of Twitter
  • She’s trying to turn me into a morning person… NOOOOOOOOOOO! Someone tell her to stop!
  • I think I have 5.1 surround… or in other words, all 5 of my multiple personalities have Mono
  • I swear paying attention to twitter is making me dumber. Maybe that’s why I keep coming back
  • Most days I feel like Twitter is just an inter-active Looney Tunes cartoon
  • Dear Twitter, Go away… I’m trying to accomplish things and you’re just distracting the test subject
  • I have to admit, I’m kinda embarrassed when I have to google a word to make sure I’m spelling it correctly… but at least I fucking do it
  • I love how my mind spawns such amazing retorts of a copy-n-paste nature with a word or two added to the end. Your originality astounds me
  • My brain is nothing short of PURE GOLD this morning. Working on Platinum by noon!
  • I completely don’t understand my old self, and I’m quite ashamed of how BORING that person was
  • “Normal” is a state of mind I guess… but that would require actually thinking
  • So last night I was watching TV (rarity that it is) and a trailer for the new twilight flick came on. I still feel violated
  • For those who are curious… I threw out my back last night humping your mom. She charged me double
  • The other day I was at the bank getting a new account. When asked “What do you do?” I promptly replied “Your mom.” They offered me a loan
  • If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase “If I Had A Dollar,” I’d be fucking rich
  • I just ate too many Twizzlers… you know what that means right? Hell I don’t even know what that means
  • The early bird may get worms… but the late night Rockstar gets crabs
  • Ah follow Friday… The day you loathe because you feel obligated to shout out the douchebags who have less if a life than you do
  • Since Ice Cream/Pineapple juice are Supposedly a myth… I’m gonna eat a bunch of habaneros the day before she goes down on me. Myth Busted
  • If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to name her Listeria… just so everyone looks at her weird when they figure out she’s white
  • No sane being would put themselves through this kind of torture consistently… or we can go with answer B which is I’m a fucking moron
  • Sometimes even I have to pretend I make sense
  • don’t ask me, I’m just here for the vanilla pudding
  • Love is like fishing with a hole in a bucket… you’re just gonna get water all over the damn place if you use it
  • I attemtped to watch that flick “Bridesmaids” last night… my testicles are still trying to recover
  • I think the exact moment my passion for music died was the moment Nickelback had their first #1. I dunno I might be making that up
  • My favorite thing these days is watching the “elimination” part of reality TV shows and the blubber-fest that ensues. HILARIOUS!
  • I tried out one of those ghost detector apps on my phone. It detected paranormal activity in my pants while I was erect. I’m impressed
  • Now back to doing what i do best… which is not knowing what i do best
  • Today I had a highly philosophical moment and then forgot it. I’ll hereby be known as Legendary philosopher Forgetshitutes
  • Killing time before I leave this shithole town for an even worse shit-hole town. Yay Missouri
  • Can someone please explain to me… when it became ok to call black friday black friday again? I’m still stuck on “African American Friday”
  • I got followed by a publicist… How about we talk and you start booking me on my “Helping stupid happen less” tour
  • Actual convo: her:”Ever heard of Mr. Sandman?” me:”Isn’t he that gay dude who needed a heart in the wizard of oz?”
  • To those who were curious… yes, I’m “technically” still single… but my balls are comfortably numb
  • not really… I’m acting
  • Seriously there’s a TV show called “Big Shrimpin?” I don’t know if I want someone to shoot me in the face or if I have to start watching
  • Hey STUPID… your Mac IS a PC! Unfortunately for you, it’s a REALLY shitty, overpriced one at that
  • Am I the only person who thinks Aesop’s fables are just a bunch of horseshit to make you conform to BORING?
  • Women, can’t live with em… can’t shoot snot rockets at em
  • a chick that doesn’t like hot chocolate… I sure know how to pick em. Hot cider it is… Dickens Cider!
  • She wants a word better than like, not as mushy as love. I’m just gonna put a flashlight between my legs and flip it on/off like a firefly
  • Those sappy commercials where they try to sucker you in with “a moment” are way more fun with a Slayer soundtrack
  • She’s so classy, she gets her nails done at the airport salon on her way to Europe… yet no french manicure
  • seriously… if you haven’t raised your IQ by 5 points by the time I get back on here, I’m twitterciding (whatever that means)
  • I just had a long discussion with a good friend about the ways of womanhood. Obviously I tuned out right when she said the word “tampon”
  • When life hands you lemons, jack up the price and make a profit by selling it to the nearest under-supplied lemonade stand
  • I once owned a rooster… oh wait. I mean I still own it, and it’s my cock
  • I think I’m gonna start numbering the DearWhores tweets so I can just start referring you to a specific number on the proper occasion
  • Seriously… nobody gives a shit about your couch
  • Actual part of a text convo: “Yes, he gave it a nice massage with a subtle marinade of butt sauce”
  • I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that if you’ve ever recorded yourself “unboxing” something… you should be shot in the face
  • If you call me and I don’t answer, just assume that I’m (pick one) a. Pooping b. Sleeping c. Saving a small child from a burning building
  • Note to self… when wearing button-fly jeans, plan 40+ seconds ahead of “Time to pee really bad”
  • Apple just announced a new product coming out in Q3 2013 that’s a bathroom security device called the iCup
  • Even my inner Narcissist thinks I’m completely full of myself.
  • I should probably be in bed… I look like a zombie apparently. Fortunately for you, I’d rather eat your soul than eat your brains.
  • I think I’m going to start referring to all of my projects as “My Balls.” Then I can be like… “Nice to meet you, check out my balls”
  • My life’s ambition is to become a luchidor so I can run around in a mask, flip out like a ninja… while mowing the lawn and eating nachos
  • Some people dream in color, others in black and white… I dream in porno and violence
  • I just tweeted the funniest thing I’ve ever tweeted! Too bad it was invisible.
  • I just woke up… probably the most productive day I’ve ever had… in my sleep
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2 Replies to “Yes, I said that! The Trophy Case”

    1. I miss the entire crew man! I’m trying to get back there on April 9th, not too sure I’ll have a lot of free time to go out, but if I do end up in town I’ll give ya a shout. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to stay through that weekend. It’s still a work in progress, but I’ll let ya know playa

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