You just got home after a half-hour trek through painstaking traffic; having just conquered a stressful, 8 hour shift at the office. You’d like to veg a little bit; catch up on a TV show or two of your choosing. Unfortunately for you, corporate advertisers have another agenda lurking in wait for you: Advertisements! As you try to wrap your wounded little mind around the constant barrage of commercials, you slowly begin to think to yourself… WHY AM I ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE BRAINWASHED BY THIS CRAP? For some reason though, you continue watching as if hypnotized by the barrage of frames and succulent aural flurries that gently caress your senses like fine grain sandpaper… In an attempt for greedy corporations to lure you into purchasing and/or using a product. Call it what you will, but society has become a well-trained cult of mental zombies for the advertising corporate conglomerates!
It damn near pains me to sit down in front of the tube, to watch a broadcasted television show anymore. Correction… sit down to watch commercials with just enough teasing of television programming, to keep me from taking a flame thrower to my television over the amount of bandwidth wasted on various shitty companies trying to convince me to purchase and/or use their even shittier products. It’s not just television though. Hell, everywhere you look… television, magazines, sports events, games, movies, web sites, apps, even some people’s pets; nothing but a bombardment of useless advertisements.
Personally, I’m fucking sick of it! It’s one thing to create brand awareness with subtle hints of an ad placed in a strategic area for a target audience. It’s quite another when an entire website for example; changes their entire site background to a big ugly advertisement for a product or company, and when you accidentally click on the background… oh shit, now you’re on the shitty site of the advertising company. This PISSES ME OFF and should be illegal!
“How do you make such a thing illegal?” one might ask. It’s called deceptive practice. If an advertiser is knowingly deceiving you in order to push their product your way and gain your hard earned cash… they should be held responsible and fined!
Now some of you might find such a proposition absurd because advertising is EVERYWHERE… how do we possibly regulate such a thing?
Here a list of potential “acceptable” advertising practices that don’t bother me because they don’t hinder my ability to enjoy whatever form of entertainment I’m trying to enjoy at the moment. Thus, they should not be regulated:
- Product placement during events: Nascar actually does this one right. If I’m gonna watch cars race in a circle for hour upon hour, why the hell not toss an ad on a car and make me root for the company? Hell, I think the NFL should do the same thing with entire teams… have Bud Lite sponsor the Dallas Cowboys and put their logo on one side of the helmets. I don’t care, because it’s NOT FUCKING INTERRUPTING MY FOOTBALL GAME! Hockey, and Baseball also do this by strategically placing company logo’s around the field where the cameras can see them. This kind of advertising is perfectly acceptable.
- Product placement in video games: Want to give me a good time in a video game? Put an interactive Max Headroom Coke ad as a video billboard in a game like Left 4 Dead… and let me blow the fucking thing to shreds with a shotgun! That would make me want to buy MORE Coke products just for them being ballsy enough to allow us to deface their own old-ass advertising campaign.
- Creative product placement in Television shows: There’s a TV show called “The Voice” that’s a popular singing “reality” show where the entire first couple of weeks, the judges are in their chairs with the backs of their chairs exposed. Can someone please explain to me why I have to watch fucking commercials when RIGHT THERE on the back of the judges FUCKING CHAIRS there’s a fantastic place to put a sponsor for the show… so we can be commercial free? That’s just one idea, hell… have companies do things like sponsor the various obstacles in that show “Wipeout” (maybe they do, I don’t watch the dumb show).
- Subtle website ads that don’t obscure the content of the site I was wanting to browse in the first place: If your website requires me to click on something, pops up an ad above or below the window I’m currently browsing, or has more advertising space than content… YOU’RE A GREEDY DICK! Perfect example: http://www.ign.com. Every other time I go to that shit excuse for a gaming website, I’m reminded of EXACTLY why I don’t check it on a regular basis. Pixelated Geek on the other hand, does it exactly how it should be done. Content first… make a little money on the side to help cover expenses. Do I see ads on their site? Yes I do. Do they distract me from the actual content I want to read? No they don’t. As a matter of fact, just to support them… I clicked on every one of the stupid ads to toss them a little bit of love, and I would encourage you to do the same.
- Sponsor Celebrities to wear/use your shit at major events: The Grammy’s, The Oscars, The I Don’t Give A Fuck About your awards… perfect example of this. When some douchebag like Tom Cruise is on the red carpet blabbing away about his latest turd of a movie, it’s perfectly acceptable for him to name drop whatever product he’s getting paid to pimp. That’s his moment, and he can do whatever he wants with it as far as I’m concerned.
- Sporting event periods sponsored by a company: Soccer gets it! “This period and time clock is brought to you by… (insert company name and logo here).” Hell, even give me a commercial right then because kudos to that company for allowing me to watch the soccer match without fucking interruption! This is how EVERYTHING on TV should be!
Now for a list of current practices that irritate the ever living shit out of me, and should be punishable offenses by law:
- Commercials: Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? At least 1/4th of the time alloted for a TV show is for goddamned commercials, and even better… when you turn the channel to check out something else; that fucking network is on commercial break too! No wonder people are switching to DVR or downloading tv shows to watch them. Hell, I do! No commercials, I can watch the show WHEN I want to, I save at least 15 minutes; the show is a turd… skip to something else. If it’s a long-running series, I can watch one episode right after the other so it’s all fresh in my mind. Why the fuck won’t these asshole network execs get their heads out of their stupid asses and figure out this is a GOOD thing? Fuck them and their shitty commercials!
- Full Page Print Ads/Inserts: There’s a reason why print magazines are a dying breed folks! Playboy, Maxim, Sports Illustrated, Guitar World, Cosmo, all guilty of it. There’s more fucking full page advertisements in their shitty magazines than there is articles (and/or hot chicks). It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that a guy will stare at a hot girl wearing a Bicardi bikini for hours. When I’m looking at Playboy (to read the articles obviously), I don’t want to see a full page ad of a FUCKING COLOGNE BOTTLE! Hot chicks holding cool shit… that’s the way to sell me. Sports magazines, give me a football player wearing a Pepsi jersey in the big photo that precedes the interview. THINK OUTSIDE THE STUPID BOX! This also goes for websites! If there’s more ad than content, you’re a fucking whore and deserve the bankruptcy your company will eventually bestow upon itself… Dicks.
- Movie trailers before the feature: This one isn’t geared towards the use of trailers itself. One or two movie trailers before a movie… that are actually geared for the audience demographic in said movie, is perfectly acceptable. Chances are pretty good that if you show a Batman trailer in a Star Wars premier, nobody is going to piss and moan about it. When I’m about to watch Zombieland in the theater, and ten nature trailers along with a preview for the latest Ice Age movie appear on screen… REALLY? Even worse, have you ever purchased a Disney DVD or Blu-Ray and had to sit through that 20-30 minutes of TOTAL DISNEY HORSESHIT before you can enjoy The Rescuers for the 10th time?
- Radio Ads: Do radio stations even play music anymore? No wonder everyone is pirating music, hoarding podcasts, and snatching up internet radio apps like the world is going to end. If having to hear the same fucking Beiber song 30 times a day isn’t bad enough… now they toss on local Bob’s weekly used car sale commercial that sounds like shit; hoping the public will be enticed and show up for their millionth radio remote this weekend at their shitty car lot. It SURE IS WORKING there Skippy!
- In-App Ads: There’s nothing worse than a fucking app or game on your phone or tablet with so much ad bloat that you immediately uninstall the piece of shit before you even get a chance to try it out. A fantastic example of this is pretty much any game put out by the developing companies Glu mobile or Droid Hen for Android devices. Some of these games would actually be fantastic if it weren’t for the fact that every other screen is a full-page ad, a nag screen trying to get you to purchase virtual items to advance through the game better, or yet another nag screen offering you “free” ways to get said virtual items to advance in the game. Once again, I have no problem with a developer putting in a small ad banner on the loading screen… or sponsored product placement inside the game itself. When I have to constantly tell my young nephews “no, don’t click on that!” when they’re on my tablet because it’s going to be potential money coming out of my wallet… fuck that greedy-ass developer!
- Youtube Ads and anything similar (HULU, ETC): The entire reason I even got into Youtube or Hulu was that I could instantly watch videos of a varying variety without having to sort through a bunch of shitty commercials. Unfortunately, greedy corporate America reared it’s ugly-ass head and now it’s just as plagued as any other excuse for media out there. At least Youtube has the ability to skip some ads… but give me the ability to skip EVERY ad, and I might actually pay attention to whatever shit product you’re trying to push to me. It’s out of fucking control!
- Promoted Tweets, Facebook “targeted” ads and similar: This one REALLY pisses me off! Twitter is a universe where you can EASILY create your own trends and awareness by being a little crafty, and using a simple hashtag. I have created a bunch myself… some of which have become quite popular (#followluv is just one such example, and was started by me via @torchingigloos, bet you weren’t aware of that) WHY THE FUCK does ANY company on twitter need to purchase “promoted” tweets to push their product? I’m sorry… but there’s no excuse for this, YOU’RE FUCKING DOING IT WRONG! If you’re a company who has a million+ followers… it’s for a reason. There’s also a reason why people like myself DON’T follow your shitty company… We DON’T CARE! :sarcasm mode engaged: So I have a great idea, why don’t you just FORCE me to be exposed to your shitty company and THEN I’ll care about it. :sarcasm mode disengaged: Fuck that, if you don’t block companies who purchase promoted tweets and report them as spammers… you’re part of the problem. As for Facebooks and their targeted ads, and using your face/personal information to fool your friends with products you “endorse” because you’re stupid enough to let Facebook get away with it (yep, you’re giving them permission by default)… You’re a fucking idiot.
There’s probably a few more instances modern day advertisers incorporate into current media standards to send our feeble little minds into a frenzy of stupid. Regardless, don’t be so quick to allow these companies/organizations to pollute your brain with useless drivel. Fight back by showing them you’re sick of the sorely outdated advertising methods of 40 years ago. Make them start to think outside the box by delivering content that matters, intrigues, and educates… instead of allowing them to mentally slap us around like little bastard, Ginger stepchildren with their shitty methods… just because they can. It’s up to you to do something about it! Don’t be just another one of the Brainwashed!
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